It's been a while ne? Since I moved back to my house I don't have alot of chances to get online and most of my free time I now spend studying. By the way, school if going well. I really am enjoying it and I like to think I make the uniform look good. However I do have a big change in my life: a kitten. Last Saturday I heard a strange noise outside my house and went to investigate. Low and behold a kitten tumbled out of my side yard after I opened the gate. I immediately took her to my parents where my dad helped me tend to her. She's so little we were pretty sure she wasn't weened, so I had to bottle feed her. I have decided to keep her since no shelters will take her, and her name is Julia Child, Julia or Peeper for short. She's a gorgeous calico that's mostly black w/ little white and orange spots. I don't know how someone could have abandoned her. My parents have fallen for her, too. The vet says it's okay to ween her, so I'm letting her eat super-moist kitten food that she seems to be a big fan of. Boy, raising a kitten is like raising a kid.
My mom is kind of okay. She is afraid to stay alone in her house so when Dad goes out of town I come and stay with her. She wants to move so bad she's praying Dad gets a transfer. I know I couldn't go right away, but I think I would eventually follow them. They are my family, and I like having them around. Oh, I managed to burn 4 of my 5 fingers on my right hand Thursday, now they are covered in big whelts. They look awful. I took a loritab my dad had leftover from his root canal the pain was so bad. Then I found out my body does not like loritabs as it started to convulse. At least I know I won't become a loritab addict. Ever.
I think that's about all that's happened in my absense. I'll write more when I can. Peace out.

Well, hey, I am actually enjoying school for the first time in a long while. I mentioned that I started on Monday in a previous post, so let me fill you in on what went down. Firstly, I have the smallest class in the school at 10 people. And boy are they all unique. There's Shera who's a grandmother and incredibly sweet, Jen has an attitude and a good heart, Tara is funny, and shy Allan is my lab partner. I lucked out and got the class of awesome people. My teachers are awesome, too. I will admit my lab teacher scares the crap out of me, but she's funny. Never have I been so excited and terrified all at once. It's thrilling. I actually get up in the morning WANTING to go to class. Also, I will admit it's taking a toll on my body. My hands are sore from re-learning to hold the knife and my back and legs ache from standing for 3 hours every day. Also I have said good-bye to long nails, they aren't allowed in cooking. Or soft hands. Ah, the glories of cooking. I'll type out some more later. I have to go study now. If I don't memorize these key flavorings by Monday I'll be in the hall being yelled at again.

I got my new haircut. I am trying to get a picture of it onto my Facebook so people can see it. I'll try to upload the picture here, too. My Mummy tells me its a very artsy haircut to which I said a chef is but an artist whose medium is food. My mom will kill me. She hates when I do this kind of thing. Last time I took a manga character's hair style and used it for my graduation picture and graduation. She was not pleased but she stopped complaining... eventually. I also am saddened by Billy Mayes the Oxyclean Guy passing on. I will miss him because I enjoyed his show Pitchman on Discovery. I know, I have eclectic tastes in shows. I am so excited to be starting school on Monday. Monday!! My orientation is tomorrow. Wahhhhh. My parents are still in Hawaii, still enjoying themselves. Oh and Aunt Angela's second baby will be a girl. My family's a freaking harem, nothing but girls. Yay for frilly things!! Thanks for the support, Casey, you are right the God and Goddess work in nice ways, no? Until next time.

It's too damn hot in Memphis. The last week it has not been below 90 outside, and my car a/c went out today. At the time of writing this I'm lazing about under the biggest fan in the house, and it is nice. My parents are about to leave on an 8 day trip to Maui for their 20th anniversary, and I am very happy for them. They deserve a nice trip. I have also decided to get my hair cut. For those of you who don't know I have bee growing my hair long for my now deceased Grammy, however, I am starting school again soon, and it is very problematic to have such long hair in the kitchen (it easily goes half way down my back). I won't cut it completely, I'm thinking of a style where the front is longer than the back to give the illusion of it being long. I'm also finishing up cleaning my house so I can move back in (no Internet there still, cry). Sadly the a/c in there doesn't work that great either. Oh well. For now the heat is draining my ability to think so I'll cut this post here for now. Toodles.

Sorry for not writing sooner. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately. I just finished up all the paperwork that says I can go back to school. I start on July 6th, and I'm so excited. I'm also tired because I have been going to these school meetings at 8 and 9 in the morning, and I am not a morning person (hence forth my classes are from 1:30pm to 7:30pm). I'm also tired from trying to deal with the emotional drama in life (best friend leaving, Grammy's douche boyfriend).

Speaking of him... We found out WHY he has decided to be the lowest form of life on earth (besides like a skinhead). He is pissed because my mom made him look bad. You see, Dale wouldn't let Grammy go to their home for her final days, he wanted her in a nursing home. She was terrified and didn't want that, so my mom stepped in and took Grammy to our home to spend her final days. So now he's being a vindictive, greedy son of a bitch to us. I don't think I have ever seen someone so hateful and evil. It is almost physically sickening.

Needless to say, Mom has been depressed over this. So, Dad decided to cheer her up. He is taking her to Maui, to some very fancy resort on Maui for 8 days since they are celebrating their 20th anniversary very shortly. We also celebrated Dad's birthday yesterday (it's not till tomorrow, but he'll be on a business trip till Wednesday), and that was fun because we got lots of food courtesey of his brand new grill.

That's been my week for the most part. Let me think... Oh, and I got new pictures of my Olivia. Oh my God, her ringlets are adorable! >.< So cute. I love her. And that's where I'll leave my post off at I think. I'll write again soon, hopefully. After I take a nap.

So, I may have mentioned today is the day we were to start picking up the things that Grammy owned, so that's what we did. At first it was okay... but then Dale (Grammy's boyfriend) took back a piece of furniture that we had emptied of Grammy's things. This did not sit well since that piece was for jewelry holding. We waved it off until we got home when we noticed somethings were missing. To be precise, we are missing some expensive purses and furs that belonged to Grammy. So my dad went back over there to ask Dale about them and to pick up a kitchen hutch and cookbooks that are going to Mom, my sister, and myself. Dale would not fork them over, stating they weren't in the will (which he wrote and made my grandmother sign while she was under the effects of morphine). Well, this drove Mom nuts. She has been screaming, wailing, and uttering curses about Dale for hours now. I'm pretty upset myself, since Grammy and I discussed this more than once while she was in our home, and she made it clear those books were going to my sister and me, though we will let Mom take first picks. Too bad for Dale we already had a list written with Grammy's wishes on it signed by my uncle. Tomorrow we confront him with it, and if need be we will be suing him for our Grammy's things. We didn't want everything, just certain personal things, but now my mom is so pissed that I would not be surprised if she took everything she could (and she can do this with a lot of things since Grammy and Dale never married). We are at least relieved to find we have the expensive jewelry we were rather worried about. The cameo Grammy left me is beautiful. It's of Psyche and Cupid and I have discerned (thanks to Mummy) that the cameo is made from seashell. Maybe I will wear it with my wedding gown whenever I get married. It is just breath-taking. I hope I can find a camera and take a picture of it to show you all soon. Now, sadly, I must cut my writing short because Mom is still having a fit and I need to help Dad out with her. I will keep you updated and write further on this probably tomorrow evening. Ciao.

Wah, I'm kind of excited right now! I finally signed up for the tour and information meeting at my culinary school. My dad wanted to come along with me, but he is busy on the morning of the meeting. Maybe I'll bring a notebook and take noted for him to read later. He's always there supporting me, and helping me if I forget something important. I think I want the man I marry to be like that. I'm in a slightly better mood than I have been the last two days, maybe that's because I am going to a support group next week. I read on Wikipedia that people with depression often don't grieve properly, and since I am certainly not handling this well, maybe the group will help. As I am typing this I am wondering what we are having for dinner, since food is on my mind a bit. I am also staring at this recipe book I have that I still haven't written in. I gave one to my sister since she loves cooking, too. I think I also found a place to get some supplies for my Wicca studies, but I have to double check first. And if it is legit it will be a slight problem, since it is in a not so great part of town. I'll just get Duran to go with me I guess.

No, I am still not sleeping really, and now I am drinking coffee to keep myself awake in the mornings when I am hit hardest by the sleepiness. Bleh, coffee is so nasty and bitter I have to use 4 Sweet-n-Lows and flavored creamer to drink it. I do like the smell of it though, that's nice. My parents won't let me sleep in anymore so I just have to make do. They are convinced I am not doing anything in life. Ha, now Mom can stop bitching at me constantly for "lack of direction". I have no lack of direction; I know exactly what I want to do. I just... I haven't been feeling up to it. I still don't to be quite honest. I was reading about grief and one doctor says it can take up to 6 months to return to a normal social life. My mom has gone back to hers rather well, aside from abnormal bitchiness and random crying. I have been quiet and withdrawn as you can tel from my lack of blogging. But, I am trying, at least.

Speaking of trying, I am trying to go back to fixing up my house. Kitkah has taken out her anger of me not being there (and me not being of sound enough mind to clean her litter box) out on my bathroom carpet. My parents unofficially given me an ultimatum: kick the cat or fix the problem. Yes, great idea, threaten to make me lose my cat when I recovering from the loss of my sole grandparent. I know I am not the best animal owner, I am forgetful and bad with the litter box, but I love her, and I can't imagine being without her and her incessant mewling. She is getting old, so she probably won't be here much longer, but she has been in my life since I was 13 years old. I need her, so I am going to do my best to keep her. Besides... the carpet in the house is getting replaced anyway since it's old, nasty, and rusted in certain places. I am so stressed right now, and worried. I hope I can do this, I hope I won't break or fail. I wonder, if this is being an adult, is it normal to be fearful of failing so much? I wish I had the answer, it might make me feel a little more secure.


P.S.- Thank you, Kari and Casey. It is very good to be back to writing once again.

In an attempt to get back to my couple of posts a week schedule, I am writing once more. Writing in this blog seems to make me feel better, and that's always good.

Today I realized Father's Day is near. I don't know when exactly, but since I'm fairly sure it's date changes every year it is no surprise I don't remember. I'm bad with dates anyway. Anyway, as I thought about this, I had to think about dads in general, and then my own. A father is who a girl bases all her future relationships with men on. Our dad is the first man we love, our protector, killer of bugs, builder of tree houses. The one who teaches us to ride our bikes and picks us up and throws us in the air. He is the one standing there proudly as you go to prom, and the one who threatens your boyfriends (or girlfriends) with physical harm if they break your heart. He is there to hug you when times are bad, to be your rock. And eventually he is the one who gives you into the keeping of your husband, entrusting that man with his most precious possession: his baby girl. As a girl, a father shapes us more than we realize. John Mayer had it right when he wrote that song about fathers and daughters. I realize my father is a great man. He is loving and unselfish and calm, someone who can support others, a hard worker. I love him deeply, and I know I would do anything for him, because I want to be a daughter who makes her father proud.

This is where the "self" in the title comes in. As I thought about that last sentence, I had to think, do I think I am a good daughter? Or even a good person? First I have to look at myself physically and mentally. Physically, I think I am average, not beautiful, but not hard on the eyes either. I have a face between oval and heart, a good nose and chin, high cheekbones, pale skin (purposely), deep dark brown eyes, and freckles. My sole vanity is my hair. I love my hair. It's long and think and curly, but what I adore about it is the color. I have a shade of auburn, one I poetically call "autumn fire". In the winter it gets a bit more brown, but only for a couple of months, but otherwise it's a nice sable brown intertwined with coppery red. It's the kind of color I have been told numerous times that women pay big money for my shade of auburn. So, that's my sole vanity. I am tall for a woman, but not too tall. I don't like my breasts, not because they are small per se, but because I have a physical defect that means that one is a different size from the other (I know it's natural for them to be a little different, but I am talking cup sizes here). Eventually I might get them done so I won't be so self conscious of them anymore. I am not fat, quite the opposite, I have trouble keeping on weight usually, and I am now perpetually at 150 pounds, which is a good weight. My hips are average, my legs are long and okay. Physically, I am simply mediocre in my opinion, but I am usually told I am an idiot for thinking that. Mentally, I am very, very not mediocre. I know I am smart, forgetful and ditsy, but smart (I get it from Dad, he's damn close to being a genius in my opinion). I do have problems, I have ADD (from Mom) and depression (also from Mom, but she doesn't have it, it skipped her). I am bad at social ques, like when to talk and how to respond (comes with more severe form of ADD). I know I am selfish, most people are. I also know I can be cranky and mean. I also know, despite my trying to, I have the same good/bad trait my mom does in her personality: sometimes I am too nice and let people walk over me. This is mainly true with friends and family. I also know I am loyal, that if someone I loved needed me, I would drop everything and go to them (I have done so, too). I also need to work on letting people know when I am in trouble, because it is okay to need help.

I don't know if I am a good person, but I think I could be a better daughter (like remembering to water the pants my parents spent a lot of money on). No one is perfect, we all have our flaws, maybe I am just too aware of my own to see my good side. It is hard to think you are good when you have thought you are bad for so long. My therapist tells me I am getting better at realizing some things aren't my fault, and that I am not a terrible person. I do sometimes wish I didn't have ADD, that I could be like other people, focusing and remembering. However, I also know I am more likely to win the lottery than lose the ADD (once you are past your teens and it's still there, you pretty much are stuck with it). Damn, I wish I would stop thinking like this so much. I am finding deep thoughts usually make one want a good, stiff drink.

I apologize for my rather long absence. Don't worry, I'm still alive (sort of). Unfortunately, life has a way of hitting you while you're down. So why don't I talk about what has been happening to keep me away.

First, I am still grieving. We all do this in our own way, and I am discovering mine is... Long. Yes, that is the best term for it. Truth be told, I have never been so close to death. The image of her body just after she passed on still haunts me, and I still can't grip the fact she is gone. Some days I am better. One day not long ago I actually felt happy. Really happy. Like the me before Grammy died happy. I spent the day with my old friend and soon-to-be woman Zysk watching anime, eating good food. It was like the old times back in high school. Some days I'm worse. This week was pretty tough since I have been alone house sitting. Being alone gives me too much time to think. I don't know if it's healthy but I realize I've lead a sheltered life and that never has something so traumatic happened to me. Okay, maybe when I went off the deep end and got very close to killing myself, but even then I still had all my family.

Now, as if I am not dealing with myself enough, I am losing a support. My best friend, Tai (yes the one married to the guy I'm not fond of. I love her, but if he hurts her I'm hunting his ass down) is moving. Next Wednesday. Through everything I have been through lately, she has been my stalwart supporter and defender and cleaner of my kitchen. I remember when she moved to Texas for a year, that was tough. Now she is on her way to Norfolk and a new life. I put on a smile, inside I am screaming at the injustice of having her torn from me.

My grammy has been in the next life for about a month and a half now. A month to the day, my sister's boyfriend (I adore him, he is so good to her, I want them married) lost his grandfather to N Stage liver failure. It was just heartbreaking to hear my sister have to grieve for a second time in a month. We sent flowers and I told her if she needed me I would go. I admit, I think I suck at being a sister, but I try at least.

I also had to kick my friend out of my house, leaving me its sole "occupant" (I am still at my parents, I don't want to be alone). So now every day I must go over there and tend to my Antichrist who has ruined part of my bathroom and slowly pick up the horrible mess he left behind. I mean damn, first he stiffs my dad on a good chunk of rent, then he leaves a mess? My mom can't even mention him without cursing anymore.

Mom is still a mess. She was doing okay, finally shopping without crying, but I think she had a bad time recently because my parents went from one trip to another this week. So I have been manning the house (houses technically) and earning money/ my keep by still taking care of my dad's crazy ass mom. I am still looking at culinary school, and it looks like I'll be going to the one that'll cost $40k to attend. I cringe at the thought, and at applying to college again. Last time was a hassle and a half. Still no job, and with the unemployment rate in Memphis over 10%, I don't think I will find one soon. I did however do something interesting. I bought a recipe book, the kind you fill out yourself, and started a scrapbook about Grammy. I am a bit stalled on it because I have never scrap booked before and it is a bit expensive. Hopefully I can push forward soon now that Mom has giving her blessings, though, she won't help, nor would I want her to. I hate seeing her cry.

I think mostly what I have been doing is thinking. Life changes require a lot of thinking I have found. I realize I'm lonely. I am in truth losing two companions I held close (Grammy and Tai), I have no boyfriend, and my friends seem to be dwindling. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into depression and start thinking bad, stupid thoughts. I won't repeat my mistakes, and I won't put my parents through another trip to the mental ward after me calling them to tell them, from the back of a cop car, that was where I was going. I am so sick of feeling lonely and empty and a selfish daughter. I want to be better already, damn it! But sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we must take the hard path in life in order to better ourselves. That is what I am doing.

And let me tell you, the hard road sucks. At least I still have chocolate to comfort me.

P.S. Sorry about worrying you, Casey. Please forgive me!

Life goes on, they say. That phrase meant very little to me until recently. As I have been sick (so sick I wouldn't even play WoW) I have had a lot of time to think, which is not always a good thing. I still can't believe she's gone. I half expect Grammy to call me and ask me to go shopping with her. Last night I couldn't sleep because I had dreams about her, her wonderful voice. I can't even look at the clothes she left behind here without tearing up. I hug the stuff rabbit she held until her dying breath at night for comfort. Mom is still a mess. Not only is she still sick, she is in a very, very foul mood. If I didn't need the comfort of my parents so much I would gladly leave and return home.

Today I decided I would allow myself to mope another couple of days, till Monday, then return (or attempt) to normal life. I still need a job, I still have to investigate cooking school and make sure my insurance will still cover me. I still have to get Dad to kick Bradford out so I can FINALLY have the peace and quiet I need. I still have to continue my Wicca studies. I still have to find Tai a wedding present since she is now married. I still have to fly my dragon kite with Duran again so he can pretend it will hit small children (he hates kids, lol). There is so much I still have to do, and the world is going on without me. Now, I have to stand up and start walking again. Admittedly I am now a much emptier person it seems. I never realized until she passed just how much she meant to me, how much she played a part in my life.

My God, I miss her so much. Will this aching ever stop? How do I go on without her? I don't know, but I have to gather the courage to go on without her. It's just very scary and hard. I wish she could hug me one more time.

I thought I'd take a break from being sad and go off on a random tangent, because sometimes you just need to rant to make yourself feel better.


I don't know if any of you readers out have been paying attention, but there was a controversy at the Miss USA pageant this year. Namely, Miss Cali announced on national television that she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman in response to a question asking if she thought gay marriage should be allowed. Now, don't get me wrong, I highly applaud anyone who is willing to speak and stand up for their views, it's the American way. So, because I am an avid reading of Perez Hilton's blog, I have read more into this girl.

Let me tell you, the more I read the more I am disgusted. Her "church" spouts and believes hatred propaganda against gay people so outdated it's older than me. Look, you don't like gay people, whatever. I however don't think that who you fall in love with should be the deciding factor on whether or not you go to hell. Let us get one thing straight: gay is not a choice, science kind of proved that. Being gay does not mean you will die of AIDS or that you are a pedophile. That is what Miss Cali and her church believe. That kind of thinking is what lead up to the Holocaust. Ew, they are different, better get rid of them. Before you get mad at me for the reference, think about it, all I did was say it in a very simplified way.

You know what, I'm glad this wench lost. I don't want a bigoted model representing me in the Miss Universe pageant. Hell, I don't even want her admitting she is from the same country as me. It sickens and saddens me that people still believe such things. Gay people are people, too, and they deserve to be treated with the same fairness and equality straight people get. For someone to hate you for something like that is wrong. Believe what you want about whether being gay is right or wrong, I don't care. But I believe that they are people, and it is always said you should treat others the way you want to be treated. Would you want to be treated that way?

And that's my rant. Peace.

I actually went to the doctor today. Yes, I really am sick (as is Mom) but not with the flu. We both have severe ear infections. I haven't had an ear infection since I was eight. Isn't there some kind of law that say you aren't allowed to get things like ear infections, tonsillitis, and strep after your thirteen? Jeez. Now I can't hear because of the greatest ear drops ever (takes away the pain and throbbing, but are very viscous) and I still feel like I have the flu. When you get older ear infections are more painful and take on flu-like qualities, so said the doctor at the minor med I went to. And do you want to know how I got the ear infection? Partially it was Baby O, but most of it is caused by my sinuses leaking the wrong way, and they were leaking because of how much crying I have been doing. On top of this the one roommate who was paying rent is leaving this week without giving thirty days notice (rude much?). It seems like I have no go news to report, other than my online gaming is doing okay. Best stress relief ever, but like any other vice, it can be addicting, so I have to take it in moderation. Oh well.

You know, my week's been pretty bad. My Grammy died, my mom's gone even farther in the deep end, I have a lot of blisters from the shoes I wore to the funeral. But as I often say, Murphey's Law, man. That is the law that if something can go wrong, it will. This week it struck me in a very unexpected way (as expected of Murphey's). Olivia has been sick on and off for a good two months now thanks to daycare and her allergies. Apparently she had the flu while at the funeral but wasn't showing symptoms. Now I have full body aches and chills and the crap ass feeling that comes from the flu. So do mom and Uncle Johnny, but it appears to have hit me worse. Probably because I was the one helping watch her for 70% of the gatherings. Ain't life a bitch sometimes?

I am a hot mess. I can barely function right now. My mom is losing her mind and yelling at everyone. Her funeral is tomorrow. I am simply drifting in the waves it seems. Never have I been so lost, not even when I was suicidal and throwing myself into the mental hospital. She's gone, and I still can't grasp it. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her at the visitation today. I preoccupied myself with watching over Olivia for Angela. I hurt all the time now with the sorrow I feel. The night she died, the death rattles, Mom's screaming wail, the way she went cold, they are burned into my memory and haunt my dreams at night. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel as if I'm breaking into pieces just like Mom, but unlike Mom I can't afford to show it. I have to be strong because Mom can't be, and I have to help Dad. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.

She's gone. She passed at 8:30pm on Sunday evening while my dad held her hand and read her the 23rd Psalm. She's gone.

I stopped taking the Valium after one night. That stuff leaves you groggy as hell the next day, and I hate that feeling. So, now I am back to being lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I tell you, if I look as awful as I feel, I look like Phil Spector in his arrest photo.

Usually, lack of sleep won't make me cranky. I am quite used to it since I have insomnia anyway. However, today I have been in a rather spiteful, bitchy mood. This is a combo of lack of sleep AND this terrible re-occurring nightmare I keep having. In the dream, I am stuck in pitch black darkness, not able to see anything. I keep hearing Grammy call for me, and I stumble around trying to find her. Every time I went to sleep for the past two nights, even if I had already had it, I have this nightmare. Freaks me out to tell you the truth, and it put me in a bad mood.

Mom is still a hot mess. The only difference is she cries and snaps at us more. Today she snapped at me, and while yes I understand she is in a bad state of mind, but I don't appreciate being treated badly for not doing anything, and I almost let loose on her. Dad, thankfully, was there and calmed us before I could unleash my inner-bitch. Honestly I'd love to let loose on my uncles right now because they actually deserve it. They were such assholes to Mom last night. All she wanted to do was talk to them about how they wanted to split Grammy's estate and they both yelled at her for "wasting their time". Mom cried for hours. Honestly, I don't understand how they are related to such kind women.

Grammy is not doing well. She is on a strict liquid diet, not even able to swallow pills. Her body also is rejecting anything really sweet or with citrus in it. She was really sick today, and so weak. I can feel her clinging to life but never the less her grip is failing. Dad told me yesterday it won't be much longer, and I am pretty sure I gave him big hoot owl eyes. He went on to say that what will do Grammy in won't be her thyroid or bowels: she will probably starve to death. The cancer will take what very little nutrition she can get and gobble it up, making her weaker and weaker. I am absolutely horrified by this practical conclusion. I don't want to watch my grandmother starve and waste away! That is the worst sort of death I can imagine short of something from a horror movie.

But maybe I am in a horror movie. Maybe right now I am in the worst sort of horror movie out there: the kind that really happened. Quite truthfully, I can't think of anything more terrifying than what I am going through now. Absolutely nothing.

Well, good news, Grammy made it past Mom's birthday. However, the hospital surprised and shocked us on Mom's birthday by telling us they were sending Grammy home that day. With no warning. Oh dear Lord that was a very bad day. Grammy has settled in, and I have unofficially moved back home to ease the burden. None of us are sleeping anymore. Mom was sleeping so little we had to call Valium in for her, and I may soon be joining her in that. Part of me is terrified. I don't want to have to watch Grammy die. I have never had to see ANYONE die. I mentioned this to my dad and he said something to me.

"Ashley, watching someone die is like watching someone be born. It is incredibly emotional. This is by far the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, and you will have to go through it again because everyone dies. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and this will make you much stronger."

I was kind of taken back by his comment. But he would know more about this than me, he was there when his best friend succumbed to lung cancer some years ago. It actually made me feel better. I'm trying to keep that in my mind as we go through this. Mom is still a hot mess, but at least she's sleeping now. I have given up my job search because to be honest I just don't have the time, nor the commitment for a job. My family needs me, and damn it I am going to be here for them. At least my panic attacks haven't cropped up yet... but my newly developed asthma attacks feel a lot like them, so it's like they are replacing the panic. It is always something, ne? I am still studying Wicca though I have to hide it because while my parents are fine with how I have decided to worship God, the rest of my family (including Grammy) would not like it at all. Thank you for your support, all. I'll try to write more soon.

Grammy has been given a week to live by her doctors. She might not make it to my mom's birthday (April 6th). Mom didn't take the news well at all. I had to leave for fresh air. When will this roller coaster end?

I had a big "oh shit" moment last night. I have been spending the days with Mom. Mom is crying on and off now a days, and I hate it. So I spend my days with Mom trying to help and cheer her up. Well, last night for whatever reason (so bad I don't even know why she was annoying me) and I blurted out that I am now practicing Wicca. Oops. Well, Mom almost cried a little bit, but she said as long as I'm "good" (whatever that means) she's okay with it. She thinks she failed me because I am not Christian. Bullshit. My mom is a great mom, always there when I needed, even if I didn't know I needed her. So what if I believe in God in a different way? I am still a decent person thanks to her teachings. She never failed me. Never. I just have to convince her of this.

Right as I was convinced the next set of news I would be passing on would be my Grammy's discharge, something else came up. Billy and Angela, parents of the beautiful Baby O, are expecting their second child. The baby is due in late November or early December. We will find out whether my other unborn cousin (via Johnny and Tiffany) is a boy or a girl on April 13th. Babies are coming out of every orifice it seems.

The hospital is sending my Grammy home with hospice. They are sending her home to die.

Thanks for the sympathy. Casey asked for an update and here it is. My Grammy's bowel obstruction has been caused by a giant tumor. She is now considered terminal. She won't survive the surgery to remove it, and all we can really do now is make her comfortable and pray she does not die on my mom's birthday (April 6). I can't seem to cry over it anymore because I've run out of tears...

I almost lost my Grammy yesterday. She was pretty much on her death bed. She has made a small bit of a recovery but she is not out of the woods and there is a chance she won't be recovering. I am coping with this blow to my life, so I apologize if I don't post for a while.

To say Wicca beliefs are the opposite of city dwellers is like saying the Vietnam War was a little mistake. I know I would never be able to just leave the city and live in the country. For one that is expensive, and I am in a perpetual state of broke. But I also enjoy some city staples, like clothes stores and books. Oh I remember when I stayed in Arkansas in the summer for vacation I nearly went nuts because the nearest book store was an hour away. I also enjoy the Internet a bit much. And you know I ave been off my meds for my mental problems before and that never goes well, so I kind of need to stay on those. So as I was reading my Wicca book again, I discovered the chapter on what to do to give back to my beliefs. In Christian faiths you give to the church in the form of donations, however Wicca does not have any churches or temples like that. So what do we do? We give back to the earth in the form of respect and being kind to it. The next question I had to pose to myself was this: how the hell do I do that?

1. Recycling- Always been a fan of it. I just need to get someone to get my recycling bin out of the poison ivy forest it was thrown into. My family has a bad history of being extremely allergic, and I do not want to find out if I take after them or not.

2. Method- Okay, this is actually the name of a cleaning product line I use. It is a little more expensive (about a $1 on average) than normal cleaners, but I originally started using them for my own health reasons. My allergies are causing me to have asthma attacks, and cleaning product smells bring them on badly, this line said it didn't have those smells so I figured I'd give it a whirl. It works just as good as a normal cleaner, but it's made with vinegars and alcohols derived from corn and rice. It smells nice, too, I am partial to the french lavender myself. The bottle is 100% recycled plastic and the stuff inside is 100% biodegradable. A cleaning product line that's just as good as scrubbing bubbles but without the smell and good for the planet? Hell yes please.

3. What Goes Inside Me- I admit that the drugs I take don't do my body good. They make me sick and weak and sometimes make me have shakes. I take them because I'd rather feel a little sick and be able to lead a productive life than feel good and be unable to be independent so to speak. Some religions don't believe in the meds I take, or even the problems I have, but I sure as hell do. So, in order to balance out putting these chemicals inside me, I am trying to go organic (or at least healthier). Organic I have only a small problem with, and that's that it can be so expensive. I mean I make allowances for my Method and books, but my food needs to be a little cheap, k thx. I do enjoy a good Farmer's Market, so when that reopens around here I will be journeying to that often.

4. My Yard- Oh man, that is going to suck. My yard is a mess thanks to the previous tenant not doing anything to it. So it is up to me and Dad to set it right. There is one catch: I really suck at gardening (the only plant I have kept alive more than a month is my moon cactus). So I am reading up on gardening dos and don'ts and have decided to try to plant some veggies and lavender and witch hazel (ha ha, no, not because I am a witch, but because they bloom in the winter while lavender is a summer bloom, so I will have pretty flowers all year round) in my back terraces.

So much to do, so little time. I have to get ready to go check on Dad's mom now. I might write more tonight, I might not. I might use this beautiful waxing moon evening to finish sewing my friend's wellness and protection satchel. Yeah, that sounds good. Until we meet (and write) again.


Congrats to Kari-chan on getting second place in the baby food competition! You did great! Keep up the good work!

I realize I am typing this late, but my insomnia has returned with a vengeance, so I figured I would at least use my insomnia wisely. I had my cat shaved today. Poor Kitkah, she looks so thin and almost Bigglesworth-like, however I made sure they did not shave her face and tail. I think she is rather pissed at me not so much for the shave but for taking her to the kennel to do it. She REALLY did not like the kennel. Like she tried to climb into and hide in my purse did not like. Oh well, this will be easier on the both of us, she won't be matted and I won't get the shit bitten out of me for trying to brush her. I apologize if I seem to be cursing more than usual, but I REALLY did not have a good day. After two days of little sleep, I had to wake at o'dark-thirty to take Dad's mom to the orthopedic doctor. I spent an hour getting to her house, getting her to hurry up, then trying to find the x-rays I had to bring with us. I spent another hour getting there and helping her fill out paperwork and listening to her bitch. Then, turns out her primary care doctor did not double check that the clinic would take her insurance, because they didn't. I had stressed and sleep-deprived myself for nothing. Then I had to drive her back home and listen to her bitch more (I went off on her at that point. I am not a morning person, so to complain to me in a nagging tone when I am tired and cranky is asking for me to flip it right back to you. Better yet, I don't feel about it because I was defending my dad). Then we accidentally locked ourselves out of her house and had to wait for the apartment manager to let us in. After that I set out to do what I originally planned to do today (I did not find out she had this appointment until Sunday, when Dad mentioned it and I said I'd take her for him): go take care of MY OWN medical problems. I saw my chiropractor since my neck had been stiffening up again (damn car accidents, oh well, it felt good to be popped), called my therapist asking for him to give me a call when he was available to make an appointment, and made an appointment for the allergy doctor since I am having problems breathing. Then I got my cat shaved and got groceries with my parents. And got a nap. Still tired though.

Something else is bothering me though. I may have mentioned I am now in the process of converting to Wicca (it in truth does not require much else than converting to its beliefs, which is not so bad honestly). However, I have not told my parents of my new found religious beliefs. Now before you get the wrong idea, my parents are the most tolerant people I know. They don't care about most things, only that you are a good person and lead a good life. However, we are a Southern family, and as a friend's parent once told me, there ain't a man in the South that don't know who God is. Religion is a sticky point in my family, always has been, always will be thanks to Mom's family being Catholic and Dad's just being Southern. Mom used to be devout herself until she felt the Church was becoming too conservative and bigoted. I remember one time I told Mom I had an atheist friend, and she cried. Cried. Faith is something very important to my parents. They don't even believe me when I tell them Sissy is seriously a Buddhist. I do not know how they would handle their elder daughter being a witch. Most of me thinks they would be okay with it, but there is that small part of me, the doubter, the scared part of me that thinks they will reject me for this. I have a new found respect for people who come out of the closet now, because all I am doing is changing religions and I am a nervous wreck. Hell, that's probably why I can't sleep. I am hoping to talk to Mummy soon and ask her opinion on how I should handle this situation. Do any of you out there have an advice for me on this? And uh, please don't say I am going to burn in hell. I like to think that I will at the very least not go there for simply dealing with my dad's mom and not killing her. Yet.


P.S.- We are fairly certain that the newest edition to the family is a girl. Yay! More cute baby clothes!

Recently I may have mentioned I have a new Wicca book. For those of you not aware, I do practice some of its beliefs. I do believe that there are powers beyond that occur in nature, and that it is okay to harness them to benefit your fellow man. After reading up on Wicca (if you are interested, try Scott Cunningham, he is considered one of the best writers on Wicca) I find that it is very sad how much it is misconstrued. There is no devil worshipping, we worship the God and Goddess in our lives and nature. Our creed is to harm none and help all and to coexist with nature. How people can hate something so... loving and pure is beyond me. But I am simply a novice whose chaotic (and broke) life often keep me from practicing. Funny, isn't it that we need money to enrich our soul? But going into Wicca has also made me want to change other things.For example, I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle (special thanks to you on help with that, Kari-chan). But I have two beliefs that always keep me from going all out into it. First would be I could die tomorrow, and I want to die drinking Coke (okay so my vice is caffeine, it helps with my chronic headaches). Second is I don't believe ANY food is bad for you (unless you are allergic), you have only to take them in moderation. Nevertheless, I am trying to lead a healither lifestyle (still not giving up cokes, I have yet to find a source of such massive amounts of caffeine that are good for me, lol). I am eating salad more and thriving on veggies and choosing healthier cheeses. I just can't embrace all of the health craze, like milk being bad for you (I will never, ever give up dairy you can pry my milk bottle from my cold, dead hands). But I am trying, and I think that counts from something.

So as I am trying to get healthier, I am trying to start my Grimiore. That is basically the book were a witch keeps her spells and tabs on how developing them and herself is going. This new herb magic book will be beneficial for that, because I have already found the first ritual I want to try. I want to try and make a charm for wellness and spiritual health for a friend of mine. I need to read up on it more though, because magic is serious, and improperly used magic is never good (I automatically think of Practical Magic, completely fictional, but the message is there). Hopefully everything will go well. I will keep you posted on how that goes. Still no job, but I got paid for taking my friend to work so that was nice. Until the next post, good fortune to all.

*Side note: -chan is something from Japanese that is called an honorific. In this case adding it to the end of a name is a sign of friendship and affection. The best way to explain is that if I called someone Cat-chan, it would translate out to Kitty. It's hard to translate them in English because they have no direct translation.

I am sorry for the long break. I have been very busy as of late. My friend's motorcycle and car broke so I have been taking him to work for cash. Also, a friend of mine came out of the closet, and he's been very stressed about it. My Grammy had to be taken out of the experimental chemo program because the chemo was literally causing her stomach to rot. We're bittersweet about it, bitter because it was shrinking the tumors a bit, sweet because fuck the tumors, losing your stomach is bad. I have also picked up a new book in my study of the natural arts, a book on herb magic. It's by a woman who is both a lecturer on the topic and Master Gardener. How the hell do you become one anyway...? Still no job. Dad's mom is still kind of crazy, but a bit more tolerable of late. Other than that, my life's been going no where. Bah. Stupid economy, pick up already. Until the next writing.

My friend Tai is not moving in and is still with her ass of a guy. If that is her decision, I support her even if I don't like him. I am also dealing with the fact I have to kick my roommate and friend, Bradford, out. He has not even tried to find a job to pay for his rent and has been incredibly rude to me for a couple of months now. Part of me feels bad because he's a longtime friend, but more of me is just so tired of dealing with this. I have enough to worry and stress about without him adding to it. I also am taking my friend Potter to work this week because both his car and motorcycle broke. He had some odd luck, ne? Baby Olivia has to have surgery as well. I believe she is having tubes put into her ears. Tiffany is doing well and carrying the pregnancy fine so far. Let's keep our fingers crossed. Grammy is doing well, we're going shopping tomorrow. Dad's mom is still a wench and I still have to tend to her every other day and still drains the energy from me. Finally I looked into the culinary school down the street from me. It will cost me between $27,000 and $38,000 to go there, and we are pretty certain that it will b due all at once instead of in semester payments. I have not been feeling well. My energy is gone and I'm continuously tired. I hope my meditation will help me with it, or at least help me deal with it better. For now that's all I have to write. Fair winds and good seas to all (I'm in a pirate mood).

P.S.- Still no job and this week literally only one place I could apply to. Sad.

After I wrote about my parents' terrifying experience, my week actually got worse. I have applied to 50 jobs this week, not one has called. That is becoming a typical week, but what made it worse was problems my friend, Tai, was having. Tai is a great person, and she is usually who people go to for advice because she is incredibly insightful. However this week it was time for her to get some sorely needed advice. She has been living with her soon-to-be in-laws. Her in-laws are assholes, and racist ones at that. After dealing with a couple months of this, her father-in-law crossed a line, and the best way I can put this is he called her a whore. And she was pissed, so she wanted to move out. She was so desperate to get out she had her mom come over (her mom is not a great person). Somehow, her stupid ass boyfriend convinced her to stay.

I DO NOT LIKE HER BOYFRIEND. He hates all her friends, is controlling, an all around jerk, and is starting to follow in his dad's footsteps. I had to sit down Tai and tell her in no short terms tat this is not a good situation. Actually I told her that she was being a dumb bitch and was pulling a Rihanna. At the time she had convinced me to join her in a couple of drinks, and I am a very cheap drunk so it does not take a lot to make me "groovy" as I term it. I seem to be drinking more, I think I am gonna stop drinking for a while. Anyway, back to the story at hand. Tai has me frightened, because I have seen too many stories where the relationship starts like that and end badly. I have had a small victory, I got her to agree to move in with me. I am trying to convince her that as much as she loves him, she deserves a lot more and better than her boyfriend. While this is happening, my friend roomie, Bradford, is pretty much getting kicked out for being a lazy ass and not even trying to find a job to pay rent.

That has been my week. Break-ins, friends in bad places, still no job. I can only pray something good happens soon, because this is just draining the life out of me. Well, I need to get off. Tai is moving in today and she is gonna help me streak my hair a brighter red. Hope you all who are my readers are having a better time out there.

I was very scared last night. I had no reason to be scared or worried. Nevertheless I paced and couldn't sleep until 4:30am this morning. At about 9am I get a call from my mom. She sounded like she had been crying so I asked her what was wrong. At around 2:30am our golden retriever, Romeo, started acting oddly, barking and growling, which he usually won't do at night. So my dad got up to shut up him then went to the bathroom. Low and behold there are a pair of men ripping open his bathroom window screen. Dad screamed at my mom to call 911 as he went to find a weapon. The police came 15 minutes later. My golden retriever who I have often have said was a big idiot who loved everyone had been protecting my parents. I am now eternally grateful to your stinky lovable beast, and today I would like all my readers to thank the dogs in their lives. You never know when they might just live up to the claim man's best friend.

It seems I spend a lot of time griping. For a while it has seemed as if nothing good is going on in my life other than the glimpses of adorable Baby O. However, today has changed my opinion, somewhat.

I have been tending to my dad's mom and getting my haircut today. Being around that woman zaps me of energy and after dropping something off at my parents I was looking forward to going home. By chance I happen to spot Kathryn, a.k.a. Mummy. She's my parents' next door neighbor, mother of one of my dearest friends, and my personal confidant. I have known her for going on 14 years now. She has watched me grow up and I am honored to say I am considered family by her. Mummy is literally the best person I know. Have you ever met someone who seemingly had no evil to them what so ever? That is Mummy. She is nothing but kind and compassion and love. She listens to you and never judges you, offers the best advice, gives you a calming serene feeling, and makes you laugh. Mummy taught me about fairy rings and beauty of nature and how it connects to God, and she is probably the reason I have maintained my religious beliefs. I tell her the secret I dare tell no one else and she's the shoulder I cried on as I found out my Grammy might not make it. She has been my rock in the turbulent seas of my life, and I miss her terribly as I don't get to see her often.

Until today I hadn't spoken to her in about two months. I had tried calling, but I have learned in the past when she doesn't answer her phone or return a call, there is a good reason. Over the past two months her beloved cousin Lea passed on, another friend's mother was stricken with lung cancer, her car was repossessed and is on the verge of losing her home. She was already dealing with a sick son and another friend losing his wife to cancer as well. I couldn't help but thing how lucky I was to just be dealing with my dad's mom. After telling her what had been going on in our lives, we had to part ways so she could pick up her youngest child, Stephen.

Another thought crossed me mind after we finished talking. Why would God let such things happen to someone so good and kind? Surely a fair God would not do that to one of his most beautiful children. For a moment I felt bitter about it. Then oddly enough I remember something Mummy herself had told me once: everything happens for a purpose. Every little thing that happens to us from the wonderfully good to the horribly bad happens to us for a reason. We may not know it at the time, but it does. These events strengthen us and mold us into better people. As I remembered her saying that calmly to me, stroking my hair as I cried one time, I felt a little bit better. Once again I realized how greatly Mummy affected my faith, how thanks to her I had found God truthfully for the first time thanks to her. Times are hard, we are quick to dispair. Today remember that as bad as things can be, they are that way for a reason. Persevere through them and one day you'll realize it was all worth it.

P.S.- Thanks to Mrs. Kari for the healthy chocolate chip recipe. I can't wait to scrounge up enough pocket change to go try it out.

It has been an interesting three days, so I will start on Monday. Monday I got a call from Duran (I believe I have mentioned him before). Duran said that he and the gang had all had just horrible day, and wanted to know if they could come drink at my house. I said yes for the simple fact I don't drink during the week so that means I could watch them and make sure they were okay. So around 10:30pm they all arrived, including to my dislike Christian. They drank while I watched. Let me tell you, drunken charades is hilarious. My friend of Greek heritage, Gwinobi (a nickname obviously), used himself to make us try to guess the movie 300, claiming his family was from Sparta, so he therefore was a Spartan. And that is basically the whole night. Except I found out why their day was so bad. Duran was betrayed by a close friend over a personal matter (I am hunting down this man and giving him a piece of my mind for doing it). And Tori... Well...

I am going to go off the subject a little bit here. I have a friend, Tori. I love her to death and she's the one who has dubbed me the most adorable drunk ever. She is currently engaged to Christian. Now, the moment I met him, I had a very uneasy feeling, and I knew I probably would not like him very much. I have sadly been proven right. Through events that I will not write out of privacy for them, I have come to dislike him. Quite frankly I don't like how he treats her. However, Tori has made mistakes as well (once again not going into them). Now, I have a rule about my friends and their personal lives: if you ask my opinion I will give it, but other than that I will not be involved in it. Unless he/she is hurting you, then their ass is mine to whoop. Right now there is for lack of better terms a lot of drama between Tori and Christian. Tori would prefer to keep it between them, however Christian is trying to get people to choose sides. He ad the audacity to come up to me, pull me to the side, and try to get me to tell him what Tori had told me in confidence about their relationship. I suck at lying, but he believed what I told him. Now I stated to Tori to get him to understand that their fights are not my concern and I will not be choosing sides. And if I did I'd have to go with Tori. She is way cuter than him anyway.

That has been my last three days. I am hoping the rest of the week will go better. Also, still no luck on the job hunt. Oh well.

I am sorry for not writing in a while. I got my ass royally kicked by that flu I caught (yes turned out to be the stupid flu that's going around TN). That and now that I can play WoW again I kinda lose track of time. Nothing really happened this week in real life. I did go to my uncle Johnny's "Oops, knocked up my girl" wedding. Grammy was in tears, so happy her sons are both now settled down and giving her more grand kids. Not that she does not love me and Sis, but she misses babies and Sis is never home. The wedding was nice, just beautiful, and I adore Tiffany, my new aunt. I got to play with Baby O as well. She was just the cutest thing alive. She has us wrapped around her little finger, but she has an infected tear duct so she had to have her little eye wiped a lot. Mom won an Academy Award for her act with Public Enemy Number One: her dad. She did it for her brother and they both thanked her gratuitously (as they should). I had to was piss-stained laundry again this week. Bleck. Also, no callbacks from any jobs again. Maybe I will get lucky this week. Who knows?

I have caught a cold. I still went out to look for a job, but I feel like crap. I keep getting chills on and off and I have no energy what so ever. Because of my chills my hands got unsteady and I sliced my finger open. I have realized one should not use a knife when you have the chills. I just have no luck it seems. And I left my cheesecake filling at my parents' house (I have returned home since our Internet is up). I will probably go to their house and get some cold medicine. Bah humbug to being sick.

Once again I spent most of my day at my dad's mom's house. I helped my dad clean her kitchen up. I have made it my goal to get rid of some of her cookbooks, because as a bibliophile I can tell they will start molding soon. Plus they are almost the same age as my dad. I'd rather buy her new cookbooks (which she honestly does not need because she is terrible at cooking) than have those rot. Then we went to Costco, and I have food now, yay! I will be seeing my friend Duran again tonight. He is going to come stay at my place for a day or two. It'll be good for him and I do miss him a lot. Dad has rushed to his mom's after a creepy erratic phone call from her. We are scared she might be having a stroke, or is going back to crazy town as we call it.

I am so exhausted. Today I spent the day with my dad. And his mom. The hospital kicked her out because she's crazy, but not crazy enough for a nursing home. So now Dad and I have to watch her. We did her laundry for her after we picked her up. I nearly barfed because of the pee smell. I think we are going to have to throw a lot of her stuff out because it is beyond saving. His mom is also not the most pleasant of people. One more snark about my mom and I will forget my manners and let her have it. I do not care if she is demented, she is lucky to have a woman like my mom as her daughter-in-law so she needs to shut the hell up about her. Also, I have now been giving the esteemed task of being her babysitter for Dad. I get to go there every day make sure she has taken her meds, is dressing herself, cleaning herself, AND throwing away her diapers. I don't really want to but my dad needs me, so for him I will tolerate that horrid woman. I'm sure karma will reward me for my being a dutiful daughter. Maybe I will finally win the lottery or get a rich boyfriend.

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Baby Olivia is fine now. The hospital got her fever down and released her this morning. Aside from being cranky I'm told she's doing better. Thank God for small favors. Another shred of good news came our way. My other uncle (Uncle Billy and Uncle Johnny are my mom's younger twin brothers) has told us his wife-to-be, Tiffany, is now expecting. She has some kinda uterine disorder and that makes her high risk so we are keeping our fingers crossed. Right now Mom and I are discussing what we are doing for Valentine's Day now. Mom wants to make these eclairs she saw on Rachel Ray today, meanwhile I am making a variation of a Sandra Lee recipe, which is basically cheesecake lollipops. We are just waiting on Dad to tell us we can get the things we need. Now, if only the insurance companies and hospital social workers would stop being dumb...

Thank you all for your prayers, they were very appreciated.

I have just gotten more bad news. My beloved baby cousin, Olivia, is deathly ill. She has a 105 fever and might be having seizures, so she is being rushed to the hospital. I will probably be going up there along with my mom. Please keep Baby O in your prayers tonight. I'll write more when I know more.

Dad got a letter today from his estranged brother who I will call Tom. Now, there is a good reason he is estranged, seeing as how he's pretty much been disowned from the family. Every family has that one member who is... shady. Well, that's Tom in our family. He's a crackhead big time. We dealt with that, and that is not what got him disowned. He robbed is mom blind, took advantage of her in so many ways. Then she developed a malignant tumor of the heart, inoperable, and she was given about a year to live. He never came to see her. Never wrote a letter. Never called her. Nothing. The ass did not even petition to get out of prison to come to her funeral. That is when we disowned him. However he won't take the hint we want nothing to do with him. He at first kept calling from jail (probably for money) but that stopped. Until today. Now we are wondering how he got our address in the first place. I have my own suspicions, but I don't know if I should put it out there. Mom might yell at me or dismiss me. For now Mom and I wait for Dad to come home and read the letter. Who knows what bull crap is inside it.

So I reported yesterday that a tree branch hit my house. Well, apparently my parents' house was not the only victim of a tree incident. Down the street some guy's tree fell and is now blocking one lane of the street. As if the people in my neighborhoods don't drive badly enough, let's give them a legitimate reason to swerve into the other lane. And knowing the city, they won't come get the tree for couple of weeks.

There is a big murder trial going on in Memphis right now. The case is about a woman who was stabbed over 50 times (someone was angry). The prosecution seems to believe the woman's daughter has committed this crime. Now, excuse me for a moment, but let me get this off my chest. This girl lived with her mom, and was not even home at the time of the murder (supposedly she was at a club getting drunk illegally). But she had a fight with her mom before leaving for the club, and that is ALL the prosecution has on the girl. She was practically throwing up at the pictures of her mom they made the court look at. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE EVIDENCE? They are putting this poor girl through hell because she fought with her mom and she ended up dead. No murder weapon, girl was at a club, no witnessed, and she lived there so her DNA and fingerprints are everywhere anyway. How in God's name did that get to trial? It is just so wrong, I feel terribly for the kid, she's almost my age (I am around 21, she cannot be older than me). That just shows you how messed up the legal system is sometimes.

My dad's to the point where he is bringing in the lawyers to help. He is finally getting to talk to a doctor, but since the doctor was not assigned her case Dad will have to call for something called a case consult to get anything done. Mom is tired and had to pick up her mom from chemo yesterday. Grammy has stage 4 ovarian cancer but she has already lived longer than most of people like her (I have been told the first year about half of them die, the five year survival rate is around 5%). She gave me a Valentine's Day present, a beautiful Bindya wrap that's a pale lavender. I absolutely love it. I'm making little cheesecake lollipops for people this year myself. All I have to do is wait till pay day tomorrow to go get the stuff I need. Nothing says "I fucking love you man" like homemade sweets. Especially cheesecake. Best dessert ever.

It is extremely windy today. So windy a giant tree limb hit my parents' house. I was sitting in the living room and heard a boom. I instantly recalled when last year we heard a much louder version of the boom, and a tree had literally fallen into our pool. I called Dad to tell him we might be missing some roof tile things, and he told me to go outside into these 30 mph winds and make sure our house was okay. So I was blown around a little (thank you being almost 150 lbs.) and checked and there was a big tree branch on my sister's bike. Bright side it my house is nice sturdy brick so it's okay. So I am not driving for a while (little car, big winds, not good).

No internet at my house still so I am using my parents. I feel so useless while my parents are stressing so much. I wish I could help them. Instead all I seem to be able to do is sit here and read manga or write in this blog. A security company didn't call me back (big shock) but I am still hoping for that job I interviewed for on Monday. That place seemed so nice and kind and they were IMPRESSED by me. Who the hell gets impressed by me? I am not impressive. I am lazy, forgetful, and rather ditsy. Maybe its because I wore my nice clothes which I despise greatly. I guess my height is rather impressive in my high heels (I'm 5'8" without heels, with them I'm probably almost 6'). Or the fact I can speak properly. That was probably it. Unlike most Southerners, I do my best to speak properly (except around my friends, they already know I have a nice vocabulary when I'm paying attention).

Maybe I can help with dinner tonight. I think we are trying a Rachel Ray recipe tonight. She really does come up with interesting recipes. Maybe we can have some kind of dessert tonight, like ice cream. Man, it is barely lunch time and I am already thinking about dinner. One day when I learn to clean better I think I will be a decent wife, because I will forever making sure my family is fed (I really love food...).

Ah, Casey is a blogger whose blog I have been following for a bit now. As someone low on money, Save-A-Dime caught my eye. I have been reading it and so far I am getting scissors (zomg, scissors at last) and some coupons for cake mixes and such (birthdays are drawing near). But she is so kind and giving, always looking for new ways to help us save money. I have to say, that is pretty selfless. Then the unexpected happened... She started following my blog. Ever since she's been leaving me little comments to encourage me and what not. So I wanted to say thank you, and to pay it forward by giving out a couple of tips of my own. Please feel free to repost them and pass them along.

Trotter Family Tips:

1. Make your own salad dressings. This is not as hard or expensive as you think. Ranch is basically ranch seasoning (about $5 a big tub of it), some mayonaise, and milk. Two of those most people keep on hand, and it only has to set 30 minutes or so. Vingarettes are easy to, just basically olive oil and your favorite vinegar. Personally, look to Rachel Ray for those recipes, and they can be served right away.

2. Look at unit prices. Yes, if something looks more it isn't always so. Make sure to check your unit prices to make sure you really are getting the cheapest product.

3. Bulk buy meat. Go to your nearest Costco or Sam's or whatever it is called where you live, and go buy your meat there. You can freeze the extra for upwards of a year without worrying about freezer burn if you do it right.

4. Get a food storage maker thing. You have seen that thing on the TV. You know, it sucks the air out of the bags and seals food inside. Well, it works, my parents have one and adore it. It's worth the money you will pay for it in the money you will save on food.

I went to the job fair thing. Those jerks did not even confirm that they had openings, they just said they wanted to get information in their databases for further references. I was a smidge mad at that. Also, the HMO's are trying to screw my dad's mom and us over by saying she does not need a nursing home. I am sorry, but a woman who has a seizure disorder, can't drive, is convinced the monsters are coming for her, and who the doctors say is not going to improve needs a nursing home. My dad's blood pressure must be going through the roof. I am so worried about him. I think he's getting lawyers involved. This week is starting to suck as much as last week. I will be helping Mom with dinner tonigt though. Mm, breakfast for dinner.

So I am going to that job fair tomorrow, praying that that company that interviewed me today hires me. I also preformed my good daughter deed. As I have mentioned, my dad's mother is ill. He is not only tending to her in the hospital but meeting with is business clients and doing the bills (because only he and I can do the math properly, and I have never done bills sooooo). To say he is tired is understating it. So tonight I sucked it up and went with him to tend to his mom. I did not do it for her, she has never done anything to deserve it, but my dad... My dad is the best person I know. I love him, and if going with him to deal with his crazy mom helps him, I will do it. So I did. Even when she insulted my mom I just smiled and only thought a mean retort. In the end, my dad was very happy tat I had come along and I feel good for helping him. But I swear to God I will never figure out how he came from his parents. Never.

P.S.- I really should do these good deeds more often. They make me all happy inside.

I have now encountered a problem. A place near by is hiring. It is a grocery and tomorrow is a hiring fair. Here is my dilemma: I have met people who worked there and hated it. And they have a high quit rate ever since that guy went nuts last year and shot up the one he worked in. However I will still be going... I got yelled at by my parents for "being picky". Excuse me for not wanting to work for a company where a crazy guy shot up the store. And they got pissed at me for thinking about joining the Memphis Fuzz (last time someone died on the job was about 10 years ago).

To Zoe Whose Blog I Read- Stay strong. I too know the pain of relatives you don't like being in town (or just around in general). Just do what I do: pretend you're watching or listening or reading to something and tune them out. And smile and nod. Works for me all the time. Except with my parents. But I generally try to listen to them, they tend to have sound advice (or are at least amusing).

Yes, I am relaxing at my parents once more (the Internet is down at my house). After going to all the places I could to apply for a job I am a bit tired. But thank God I finally got an interview!! One place interviewed me on the spot and I think I really impressed them just by being dressed up (always fill out applications in business attire, makes you look serious and professional). Maybe I'll get the position. Sure it's only $7 an hour, but I need anything right now. I am also waiting to see if I get a call back from any of the other places I applied to last week. I am doubting those though, because honestly me working security? Probably not gonna happen, even if I am one of the few non-felons of Memphis.

And what is with this Chris Brown story? He gets charged with assault with a deadly weapon and crime reports say his victim was... Rihanna, his girlfriend. Wtf? Assault with a deadly weapon on your own girl. Disgraceful.

Since my subscription to WoW (World of Warcraft) has ended, I have begun reading more manga. I have enjoyed them since I was little and I seem to enjoy them more and more as I grow older. Sometimes they make e realize the simplest nice things. For example, I started up on a manga called Koko ni Iru Yo! because the title seemed the most interesting of the newly released manga chapters (I read free scanlations online, and it is perfectly legal because they talk to the publishers and get permission to post the ones with licenses in America, plus they make no money from it so really no crime per se). It is about this girl who just can't stand out no matter what, always stuck in the shadows. However online she has a blog with two friends who comment on what she writes, and they are the only friends she has. Nevertheless she holds them dear because they saw her in the shadows and encouraged her to keep trying to be seen. Finally someone does reach out to her and pulls into the sunlight at last. It reminded me sometimes we all need to hold out a hand and help someone out of the shadows once in a while. So today if you can reach out, because it is truly a good feeling to finally be noticed.

P.S.- For those of you wondering I used to be in the girl in the story's position until someone reached out to me. There, now go be good. K thx.

To make a long story short, I let myself get drunk. This is typically not a problem. My friends claim I'm their favorite drunk if only for the fact all I do is sit, laugh, or randomly start hating on things (never people though...). Last night I started yelling at video games for how stupid certain things were. For example, in Smash Bros. there is a final attack where you hit people with a car. I yelled there was nothing special about that, that's just vehicular homicide and that happens on a weekly basis in Memphis. Then I attacked this character that has a little star that float by her, saying that the star was just like spinners, it looks cool, but it does shit for you. Then with the help of Potter I went to sleep. And woke up perfectly fine, no hangover, no headache, but my throat hurts a little from the screaming. Why I even made bacon this morning. I realize how much I missed just being around all my friends and our silly ways. So eventually me and Bradford (my roommate) left the still drunk Potter and returned to Cordova, where as far as I know Bradford has passed out cold since he hadn't slept since yesterday. I meanwhile am at my parents because they buy me a Sunday paper so I can try to get a job. Plus they have a great cable package, lol.

They miss me and my sister (she is in college in Mississippi) a lot. They have an empty nest, kind of. I live no more than a mile or so from their home. So when I need a break from my roommates or am hungry or just bored silly I come to visit. Right now we are having a hard time because my dad's mom was diagnosed with Benswinger's.

Now, let me set the records straight and say I don't like my dad's mom. My luck with my grandparents has sucked, badly. I don't consider either of my parents' dads my grandfather (one's a drunk who never did anything, the other is an abusive dick) and they have never done anything for me, other than complicate my life. Only one of my grandmothers has actually preformed the role, and quite well. She spoiled and loved me and Sis, helped us bake, taught us to sew, and even now as she battles Ovarian cancer she still puts us first and gets us things we really need (clothes, kitchen utensils). My dad's mom has done nothing other than strain and try to break up my parents marriage. Now, I do feel bad for her, and despite what she has done my dad being the great guy he is still loves her, but I honestly feel a bond or need to help her out. Help my dad, yeah, her no.

So here I am, watching TruTV, trying to think of a way to help out my parents. So far the only thing I have come up with is actually land a job. And let me tell you, that is very hard when you have little work experience. I can always try to win the lottery, ne?

Arbitrarily we decided to move to Potter's house. Potter's family is gone for the moment and his home so much bigger. Also, my beloved Tai has decided to join us. Tai is hilarious, telling the men (i.e. Duran and Bradford) they sucked for not knowing how to make the ultimate man food, chili. Right now we are being bitched at bu Tori, who we left behind because she was two hours late. Tough titty said the kitty. She was late, and that is that. Now I eagerly await my friends returning from Kroger with the juice and soda and Rotel. Maybe Tori won't kill us.

So, Duran, Reagan, and Roy came over. We hung out, talked. We ended up at IHOP comparing my roommate to Pokemon. Now we are about to have a party in my cluttered home. Hopefully we won't destroy something. Or have to take someone to the hospital. ^^;; Wish me luck.

It's good to have friends. When I was going to college I fell in with a crowd of students who populated the ACSC (Adult Commuter Student Center). At U of M 90% of the students commute, but the parking horrendous and you don't dare leave mid-day if you have more classes because you won't find another space. So there is the center where you can go get coffee and what not mid day. They even let you sleep on the couches. There I met Reagan (officially the greatest guy ever), Tori (adorable, tiny, will beat the shit out of you), and Duran.

Duran and I have a special bond (no you pervs not in a sex way). You see, I have ADD, and I don't hide it. I tell my story so others will be educated about it. I toldmy story to Duran one day and he said "you know I am just like that" and got himself tested. So we both have ADD. To say ADD is my only problem though is to lie. I have gotten to the point of almost killing myself (in a moment I think was God's gift I had the common sense to realize it was bad idea) but I was so distraut I had myself instutionalized (not as bad as you think honestly). Duran recently went through something similiar, and I have been trying to help him through it because I can't bare to see him hurt. He came rushing over with Reagan the night i discovered my grandmother's cancer spread and hugged me, even though he was suffering from the loss of his own grandmother. He makes me laugh and smile and introduces me to cool alcoholic beverages. I am really glad I have him around, because it is always better to talk about these sort of things with someone who understands.

Anyway, the reason I tell you this is because Reagan and Duran are coming to visit me in the clusterbomb that is my home (Tori has a job I believe and can't make it). They don't care my house looks like the remnants of Hurrican Katrina and smells a little bad. Hell, it's better than the dorms at least. They just come and sit and we all remember the good times, and talk about the current ones. And get drunk. Sometimes.

I really am a home body. While I enjoy going out and seeing friends, I am much more comfortable sitting in my room, reading books or thinking up a new recipe. People act like it means your sick or not right in the head or too shy if you don't go out. Well, they are kind of right in my case for I am certainly not right in my head (otherwise I would not be on my meds). But for me, it is about comfort. Okay, so I don't like being in public or around people. I admit it probably started from the time when I was young and got bullied every day, but now that I am older I choose this. People make my head hurt, too loud, too perfume-y, or literally bumping into me. So instead of pushing myself to be with them (usually ends with me getting snappy and bitchy) I choose to space myself. And you know what? It makes me happy. That is one of the few things in my life that I can say I am content with. So due to the fact I have no money or reason to be out today, I am at home, in my bed, surrounded by books and my baby (a.k.a. Kitkah). And I can smile whole heartily and say I like it.

Now, if only I could get the new Lora Leigh book...

Yes I am aware I have posted like 3 other times. I am just bored today. Onto what I am about to type.

Have you ever had a moment when you realized how trivial and trifle something you are thinking is? I am one who has unusually deep thoughts, but sprinkled through out is strange random ones. So I was lamenting on my house. I have been in it since August but I do not have all my furniture in it (I only got my bed in last month). Then I moved on to my kitchen. Tis a small kitchen, I feel so cramped in it compared to my parents. My kitchen and my bedroom are my living spaces, and my kitchen is also in disarray because not only because I don't have a lot of kitchen utensils yet, but I haven't quite figured out my organization in it. So in order to cheer myself up I decided to take a look at some blogs I follow to cheer myself up (I really like the Eating Simply lady, she has a quiet nice sense of humor). I discover to my glee that the lady who helps with saving has posted so I immediately clicked on it. Instead of a new post on how to save money, I found this instead:

"No post today. My daughter and son have lost the precious baby they were expecting."

Now, I need to make something clear. Children are my weak spot, my kryptonite. I love them, alot. I can't stand the thought of them being hurt in any way (oddly enough I am pro-choice and pro-spanking). Reading that kind of took my breath away. I have never had sex. Hell I have not even really kissed a guy yet (no jokes man). I can't imagine or fathom what it must be like, having a little life inside you, and then it is suddenly gone. I know what loss is like, I've lost family before. But never a baby. And to think I was being a little whiny about my kitchen. Sometimes life makes you put things in perspective like that I suppose. All those who read my blog, please give your condolences and prayers to this woman. Her family surely needs it right now.



To the Save-A-Dime Lady: My blessings go out to you and your own. I am sure that little life is in heaven where it belongs.

Excuse me while I forgo my womanly manners here for a second and go off on a rant.

This morning I read the news as I usually do (because I don't have cable and I can't make my rabbit ears work) and I discovered a story. It was about DSHS, basically the government body that is responsible for families and kids, in Washington. Apparently these assholes have been breaking the law. And I don't mean in a parking ticket way. Oh no, they have been breaking the law and as a result they have destroyed families and children have lost lives. I encourage you all to look up King 5 Channel's website and read up on the Stuth Case. I almost started crying when I heard what the state did to that family. They did nothing wrong other than advocate their child and grandchild and they almost lost their beautiful grand baby as a result. Furthermore, the child was not even put into a safe foster home. The foster mom had a crazy ex after her and the baby had mysterious injuries like black eyes and an untreated roto virus infection (from my understanding it can be fatal in children so young). But then like a Godsend came this Susannah Frame (God I hope I spelled that right) and State Representative Pam Roach. They became the staunch allies of this poor family and have now brought to light the terrible abuses this agency commits.

Now, I don't mean to be a potty mouth, but what the fuck, DSHS? Your duty is to PROTECT these people, yet you turn out to make them even bigger victims! People who harm children make me sick. I hope you all have a nice spot in hell for tarnishing the names of social workers everywhere, and for putting that beautiful baby in such danger.

As a final twist the State Ethics Committee has seen fit to start"investigating" Mrs. Roach. Hmmm, an investigation right after she unveils that a government agency hasn't been doing its job. You don't have to be a paranoid conspiracy person to see that there is something else going on there. To Mrs. Roach I sincerely hope you will weather this storm okay. Our government needs more dedicated people like you in it. And to you, DSHS... What is done in the shadows shall always be brought into the light...

As I have stated, I live in Memphis, TN. For those of you who are not so into random knowledge, it's where Elvis lived. However, Memphis is not your typical Southern city. Memphis has a very... shady reputation, for a few good reasons. Like for one our mayor has said on the news that he hates white people and has ruined our city's government, but he was re-elected five times. (I would like to point out as a white person I am the minority in Memphis at like 24% if I remember my Wiki facts right.) Also, most Memphians have the address of our jail memorized (it's 201 Poplar Ave). We even have a little thing on radio every Monday called "What You Doin' Down At 201?". We also have one of the highest violent crime rates in the nation. There was one year where only Compton, Camden (NJ), Detroit, and New Orleans beat us out. We are some what proud of it, if only for the fact it means that you lived. On the bright side we have one of the highest murder case closure rates in the nation. But you know, since at least one person is murdered every week (literally) it would be sad if we did not have a good closure rate. We are a very down to earth and gritty town, to the point of being a bit unsafe. But if you don't live in Memphis, you do not get to criticize it, because it does have some nice parts to it. We have fantastic food (mmmmm, barbecue) and host the World Barbecue Championships every year (mmmmm, barbecue). We have good music, usually in May around the Beale Street Music Fest. We also have beautiful scenery, especially around the suburbs (closer to Germantown we have Shelby Farms and we gots bison there!).
I admit fully Memphis is messed up. It is a fucked up hellhole. But you know? I wouldn't have it any other way. At least I am perpetually entertained and have good food.

For a while now I have been trying to think of a way to provide a therapy for myself. I figure the best way to go is to start a blog. So let me start by introducing myself properly.

Name: Ashley (Mom named me after the hero in Gone With the Wind)
Age: 21
Height: 5'8"
Weight: Between 145-155 lbs
Race?: White, also part Jewish
Family: Dad, Mom, Sis (younger)
Pets: Bastet, a.k.a. Kitkah
Residence: A duplex my dad owns
State: TN
City: Memphis
Color: Purple, pink, red, gold
Sign: Scorpio and Rabbit
Hobbies: Reading, writing (well trying to), sleeping, cooking, knowing random trivia
Strengths: Loyalty, compassion, cuteness
Weaknesses: My short term memory sucks, I let people I love take advantage of me, and I am such a daydreamer I will forget to do important things
Goals: To go to culinary school, to get a damn job
Quotes: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find the guy whose life has given him vodka and have a party." - Ron White
Political Affliations: None, I vote on issues, not parties.
Guns?: Yes please, I might have to stand up to my government
Abortion?: I am pro-choice. Not because I approve of abortion per se, but I would rather it be legal and safe because women are gonna get them anyway.
Spanking?: I believe in spanking a kid. I don't think you should beat your child black and blue, but a swat on the butt is not abuse.
Gay Marriage?: From a legal standpoint there's nothing really holding it back. You can't define it as between a man and a woman because your definition comes from the Bible, which is against the Seperation of Church and State. Also, if a gay couple is suitable and able to, let them adopt kids. I'd rather have them in a loving home than the foster system.
Religion?: I am some hybrid of Wiccan and Christian. I don't really care what yours is, just treat me like a person and we are great
Drinking?: I drink sometimes
Smoking?: Go give yourself lung cancer far far away from me.
Pot?: My parents were rocker hippies. While I don't like it, I think it is safer than cigarettes or alcohol. Plus it has medical uses.
Stem Cell?: I am for it. I prefer the use of adult stem cells for research, but I don't really have a problem using the ones from abortions either. I mean at least something will come form that procedure...
Prostitution?: Legalize it. At least then you can make rules for them, like make them get screened for diseases once a weak.
Kids?: Eventually, but I think I will be having a C-Section. >.> I need to stop watching TLC.