Well, good news, Grammy made it past Mom's birthday. However, the hospital surprised and shocked us on Mom's birthday by telling us they were sending Grammy home that day. With no warning. Oh dear Lord that was a very bad day. Grammy has settled in, and I have unofficially moved back home to ease the burden. None of us are sleeping anymore. Mom was sleeping so little we had to call Valium in for her, and I may soon be joining her in that. Part of me is terrified. I don't want to have to watch Grammy die. I have never had to see ANYONE die. I mentioned this to my dad and he said something to me.
"Ashley, watching someone die is like watching someone be born. It is incredibly emotional. This is by far the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, and you will have to go through it again because everyone dies. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and this will make you much stronger."
I was kind of taken back by his comment. But he would know more about this than me, he was there when his best friend succumbed to lung cancer some years ago. It actually made me feel better. I'm trying to keep that in my mind as we go through this. Mom is still a hot mess, but at least she's sleeping now. I have given up my job search because to be honest I just don't have the time, nor the commitment for a job. My family needs me, and damn it I am going to be here for them. At least my panic attacks haven't cropped up yet... but my newly developed asthma attacks feel a lot like them, so it's like they are replacing the panic. It is always something, ne? I am still studying Wicca though I have to hide it because while my parents are fine with how I have decided to worship God, the rest of my family (including Grammy) would not like it at all. Thank you for your support, all. I'll try to write more soon.
Seiganto-ji - Temple of the Blue Waves
2 days ago