Sunday, June 7, 2009

Apologies galore

I apologize for my rather long absence. Don't worry, I'm still alive (sort of). Unfortunately, life has a way of hitting you while you're down. So why don't I talk about what has been happening to keep me away.

First, I am still grieving. We all do this in our own way, and I am discovering mine is... Long. Yes, that is the best term for it. Truth be told, I have never been so close to death. The image of her body just after she passed on still haunts me, and I still can't grip the fact she is gone. Some days I am better. One day not long ago I actually felt happy. Really happy. Like the me before Grammy died happy. I spent the day with my old friend and soon-to-be woman Zysk watching anime, eating good food. It was like the old times back in high school. Some days I'm worse. This week was pretty tough since I have been alone house sitting. Being alone gives me too much time to think. I don't know if it's healthy but I realize I've lead a sheltered life and that never has something so traumatic happened to me. Okay, maybe when I went off the deep end and got very close to killing myself, but even then I still had all my family.

Now, as if I am not dealing with myself enough, I am losing a support. My best friend, Tai (yes the one married to the guy I'm not fond of. I love her, but if he hurts her I'm hunting his ass down) is moving. Next Wednesday. Through everything I have been through lately, she has been my stalwart supporter and defender and cleaner of my kitchen. I remember when she moved to Texas for a year, that was tough. Now she is on her way to Norfolk and a new life. I put on a smile, inside I am screaming at the injustice of having her torn from me.

My grammy has been in the next life for about a month and a half now. A month to the day, my sister's boyfriend (I adore him, he is so good to her, I want them married) lost his grandfather to N Stage liver failure. It was just heartbreaking to hear my sister have to grieve for a second time in a month. We sent flowers and I told her if she needed me I would go. I admit, I think I suck at being a sister, but I try at least.

I also had to kick my friend out of my house, leaving me its sole "occupant" (I am still at my parents, I don't want to be alone). So now every day I must go over there and tend to my Antichrist who has ruined part of my bathroom and slowly pick up the horrible mess he left behind. I mean damn, first he stiffs my dad on a good chunk of rent, then he leaves a mess? My mom can't even mention him without cursing anymore.

Mom is still a mess. She was doing okay, finally shopping without crying, but I think she had a bad time recently because my parents went from one trip to another this week. So I have been manning the house (houses technically) and earning money/ my keep by still taking care of my dad's crazy ass mom. I am still looking at culinary school, and it looks like I'll be going to the one that'll cost $40k to attend. I cringe at the thought, and at applying to college again. Last time was a hassle and a half. Still no job, and with the unemployment rate in Memphis over 10%, I don't think I will find one soon. I did however do something interesting. I bought a recipe book, the kind you fill out yourself, and started a scrapbook about Grammy. I am a bit stalled on it because I have never scrap booked before and it is a bit expensive. Hopefully I can push forward soon now that Mom has giving her blessings, though, she won't help, nor would I want her to. I hate seeing her cry.

I think mostly what I have been doing is thinking. Life changes require a lot of thinking I have found. I realize I'm lonely. I am in truth losing two companions I held close (Grammy and Tai), I have no boyfriend, and my friends seem to be dwindling. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into depression and start thinking bad, stupid thoughts. I won't repeat my mistakes, and I won't put my parents through another trip to the mental ward after me calling them to tell them, from the back of a cop car, that was where I was going. I am so sick of feeling lonely and empty and a selfish daughter. I want to be better already, damn it! But sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we must take the hard path in life in order to better ourselves. That is what I am doing.

And let me tell you, the hard road sucks. At least I still have chocolate to comfort me.

P.S. Sorry about worrying you, Casey. Please forgive me!


Casey said...

So glad you are fine!
I missed reading your blog.

Post a Comment