I stopped taking the Valium after one night. That stuff leaves you groggy as hell the next day, and I hate that feeling. So, now I am back to being lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I tell you, if I look as awful as I feel, I look like Phil Spector in his arrest photo.
Usually, lack of sleep won't make me cranky. I am quite used to it since I have insomnia anyway. However, today I have been in a rather spiteful, bitchy mood. This is a combo of lack of sleep AND this terrible re-occurring nightmare I keep having. In the dream, I am stuck in pitch black darkness, not able to see anything. I keep hearing Grammy call for me, and I stumble around trying to find her. Every time I went to sleep for the past two nights, even if I had already had it, I have this nightmare. Freaks me out to tell you the truth, and it put me in a bad mood.
Mom is still a hot mess. The only difference is she cries and snaps at us more. Today she snapped at me, and while yes I understand she is in a bad state of mind, but I don't appreciate being treated badly for not doing anything, and I almost let loose on her. Dad, thankfully, was there and calmed us before I could unleash my inner-bitch. Honestly I'd love to let loose on my uncles right now because they actually deserve it. They were such assholes to Mom last night. All she wanted to do was talk to them about how they wanted to split Grammy's estate and they both yelled at her for "wasting their time". Mom cried for hours. Honestly, I don't understand how they are related to such kind women.
Grammy is not doing well. She is on a strict liquid diet, not even able to swallow pills. Her body also is rejecting anything really sweet or with citrus in it. She was really sick today, and so weak. I can feel her clinging to life but never the less her grip is failing. Dad told me yesterday it won't be much longer, and I am pretty sure I gave him big hoot owl eyes. He went on to say that what will do Grammy in won't be her thyroid or bowels: she will probably starve to death. The cancer will take what very little nutrition she can get and gobble it up, making her weaker and weaker. I am absolutely horrified by this practical conclusion. I don't want to watch my grandmother starve and waste away! That is the worst sort of death I can imagine short of something from a horror movie.
But maybe I am in a horror movie. Maybe right now I am in the worst sort of horror movie out there: the kind that really happened. Quite truthfully, I can't think of anything more terrifying than what I am going through now. Absolutely nothing.
Seiganto-ji - Temple of the Blue Waves
2 days ago