Thursday, June 11, 2009

Steps

Wah, I'm kind of excited right now! I finally signed up for the tour and information meeting at my culinary school. My dad wanted to come along with me, but he is busy on the morning of the meeting. Maybe I'll bring a notebook and take noted for him to read later. He's always there supporting me, and helping me if I forget something important. I think I want the man I marry to be like that. I'm in a slightly better mood than I have been the last two days, maybe that's because I am going to a support group next week. I read on Wikipedia that people with depression often don't grieve properly, and since I am certainly not handling this well, maybe the group will help. As I am typing this I am wondering what we are having for dinner, since food is on my mind a bit. I am also staring at this recipe book I have that I still haven't written in. I gave one to my sister since she loves cooking, too. I think I also found a place to get some supplies for my Wicca studies, but I have to double check first. And if it is legit it will be a slight problem, since it is in a not so great part of town. I'll just get Duran to go with me I guess.

No, I am still not sleeping really, and now I am drinking coffee to keep myself awake in the mornings when I am hit hardest by the sleepiness. Bleh, coffee is so nasty and bitter I have to use 4 Sweet-n-Lows and flavored creamer to drink it. I do like the smell of it though, that's nice. My parents won't let me sleep in anymore so I just have to make do. They are convinced I am not doing anything in life. Ha, now Mom can stop bitching at me constantly for "lack of direction". I have no lack of direction; I know exactly what I want to do. I just... I haven't been feeling up to it. I still don't to be quite honest. I was reading about grief and one doctor says it can take up to 6 months to return to a normal social life. My mom has gone back to hers rather well, aside from abnormal bitchiness and random crying. I have been quiet and withdrawn as you can tel from my lack of blogging. But, I am trying, at least.

Speaking of trying, I am trying to go back to fixing up my house. Kitkah has taken out her anger of me not being there (and me not being of sound enough mind to clean her litter box) out on my bathroom carpet. My parents unofficially given me an ultimatum: kick the cat or fix the problem. Yes, great idea, threaten to make me lose my cat when I recovering from the loss of my sole grandparent. I know I am not the best animal owner, I am forgetful and bad with the litter box, but I love her, and I can't imagine being without her and her incessant mewling. She is getting old, so she probably won't be here much longer, but she has been in my life since I was 13 years old. I need her, so I am going to do my best to keep her. Besides... the carpet in the house is getting replaced anyway since it's old, nasty, and rusted in certain places. I am so stressed right now, and worried. I hope I can do this, I hope I won't break or fail. I wonder, if this is being an adult, is it normal to be fearful of failing so much? I wish I had the answer, it might make me feel a little more secure.


P.S.- Thank you, Kari and Casey. It is very good to be back to writing once again.

2 comments:

Kristy's Mom said...

In answer to your question: If clouds were marshmellows I WOULD fly up to eat them. But I wouldn't eat them all. Only the ones covered in chocolate.

CherryBlossomGirl said...

Marshmallows covered in chocolate are delicious...

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