It's too damn hot in Memphis. The last week it has not been below 90 outside, and my car a/c went out today. At the time of writing this I'm lazing about under the biggest fan in the house, and it is nice. My parents are about to leave on an 8 day trip to Maui for their 20th anniversary, and I am very happy for them. They deserve a nice trip. I have also decided to get my hair cut. For those of you who don't know I have bee growing my hair long for my now deceased Grammy, however, I am starting school again soon, and it is very problematic to have such long hair in the kitchen (it easily goes half way down my back). I won't cut it completely, I'm thinking of a style where the front is longer than the back to give the illusion of it being long. I'm also finishing up cleaning my house so I can move back in (no Internet there still, cry). Sadly the a/c in there doesn't work that great either. Oh well. For now the heat is draining my ability to think so I'll cut this post here for now. Toodles.

Sorry for not writing sooner. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately. I just finished up all the paperwork that says I can go back to school. I start on July 6th, and I'm so excited. I'm also tired because I have been going to these school meetings at 8 and 9 in the morning, and I am not a morning person (hence forth my classes are from 1:30pm to 7:30pm). I'm also tired from trying to deal with the emotional drama in life (best friend leaving, Grammy's douche boyfriend).

Speaking of him... We found out WHY he has decided to be the lowest form of life on earth (besides like a skinhead). He is pissed because my mom made him look bad. You see, Dale wouldn't let Grammy go to their home for her final days, he wanted her in a nursing home. She was terrified and didn't want that, so my mom stepped in and took Grammy to our home to spend her final days. So now he's being a vindictive, greedy son of a bitch to us. I don't think I have ever seen someone so hateful and evil. It is almost physically sickening.

Needless to say, Mom has been depressed over this. So, Dad decided to cheer her up. He is taking her to Maui, to some very fancy resort on Maui for 8 days since they are celebrating their 20th anniversary very shortly. We also celebrated Dad's birthday yesterday (it's not till tomorrow, but he'll be on a business trip till Wednesday), and that was fun because we got lots of food courtesey of his brand new grill.

That's been my week for the most part. Let me think... Oh, and I got new pictures of my Olivia. Oh my God, her ringlets are adorable! >.< So cute. I love her. And that's where I'll leave my post off at I think. I'll write again soon, hopefully. After I take a nap.

So, I may have mentioned today is the day we were to start picking up the things that Grammy owned, so that's what we did. At first it was okay... but then Dale (Grammy's boyfriend) took back a piece of furniture that we had emptied of Grammy's things. This did not sit well since that piece was for jewelry holding. We waved it off until we got home when we noticed somethings were missing. To be precise, we are missing some expensive purses and furs that belonged to Grammy. So my dad went back over there to ask Dale about them and to pick up a kitchen hutch and cookbooks that are going to Mom, my sister, and myself. Dale would not fork them over, stating they weren't in the will (which he wrote and made my grandmother sign while she was under the effects of morphine). Well, this drove Mom nuts. She has been screaming, wailing, and uttering curses about Dale for hours now. I'm pretty upset myself, since Grammy and I discussed this more than once while she was in our home, and she made it clear those books were going to my sister and me, though we will let Mom take first picks. Too bad for Dale we already had a list written with Grammy's wishes on it signed by my uncle. Tomorrow we confront him with it, and if need be we will be suing him for our Grammy's things. We didn't want everything, just certain personal things, but now my mom is so pissed that I would not be surprised if she took everything she could (and she can do this with a lot of things since Grammy and Dale never married). We are at least relieved to find we have the expensive jewelry we were rather worried about. The cameo Grammy left me is beautiful. It's of Psyche and Cupid and I have discerned (thanks to Mummy) that the cameo is made from seashell. Maybe I will wear it with my wedding gown whenever I get married. It is just breath-taking. I hope I can find a camera and take a picture of it to show you all soon. Now, sadly, I must cut my writing short because Mom is still having a fit and I need to help Dad out with her. I will keep you updated and write further on this probably tomorrow evening. Ciao.

Wah, I'm kind of excited right now! I finally signed up for the tour and information meeting at my culinary school. My dad wanted to come along with me, but he is busy on the morning of the meeting. Maybe I'll bring a notebook and take noted for him to read later. He's always there supporting me, and helping me if I forget something important. I think I want the man I marry to be like that. I'm in a slightly better mood than I have been the last two days, maybe that's because I am going to a support group next week. I read on Wikipedia that people with depression often don't grieve properly, and since I am certainly not handling this well, maybe the group will help. As I am typing this I am wondering what we are having for dinner, since food is on my mind a bit. I am also staring at this recipe book I have that I still haven't written in. I gave one to my sister since she loves cooking, too. I think I also found a place to get some supplies for my Wicca studies, but I have to double check first. And if it is legit it will be a slight problem, since it is in a not so great part of town. I'll just get Duran to go with me I guess.

No, I am still not sleeping really, and now I am drinking coffee to keep myself awake in the mornings when I am hit hardest by the sleepiness. Bleh, coffee is so nasty and bitter I have to use 4 Sweet-n-Lows and flavored creamer to drink it. I do like the smell of it though, that's nice. My parents won't let me sleep in anymore so I just have to make do. They are convinced I am not doing anything in life. Ha, now Mom can stop bitching at me constantly for "lack of direction". I have no lack of direction; I know exactly what I want to do. I just... I haven't been feeling up to it. I still don't to be quite honest. I was reading about grief and one doctor says it can take up to 6 months to return to a normal social life. My mom has gone back to hers rather well, aside from abnormal bitchiness and random crying. I have been quiet and withdrawn as you can tel from my lack of blogging. But, I am trying, at least.

Speaking of trying, I am trying to go back to fixing up my house. Kitkah has taken out her anger of me not being there (and me not being of sound enough mind to clean her litter box) out on my bathroom carpet. My parents unofficially given me an ultimatum: kick the cat or fix the problem. Yes, great idea, threaten to make me lose my cat when I recovering from the loss of my sole grandparent. I know I am not the best animal owner, I am forgetful and bad with the litter box, but I love her, and I can't imagine being without her and her incessant mewling. She is getting old, so she probably won't be here much longer, but she has been in my life since I was 13 years old. I need her, so I am going to do my best to keep her. Besides... the carpet in the house is getting replaced anyway since it's old, nasty, and rusted in certain places. I am so stressed right now, and worried. I hope I can do this, I hope I won't break or fail. I wonder, if this is being an adult, is it normal to be fearful of failing so much? I wish I had the answer, it might make me feel a little more secure.


P.S.- Thank you, Kari and Casey. It is very good to be back to writing once again.

In an attempt to get back to my couple of posts a week schedule, I am writing once more. Writing in this blog seems to make me feel better, and that's always good.

Today I realized Father's Day is near. I don't know when exactly, but since I'm fairly sure it's date changes every year it is no surprise I don't remember. I'm bad with dates anyway. Anyway, as I thought about this, I had to think about dads in general, and then my own. A father is who a girl bases all her future relationships with men on. Our dad is the first man we love, our protector, killer of bugs, builder of tree houses. The one who teaches us to ride our bikes and picks us up and throws us in the air. He is the one standing there proudly as you go to prom, and the one who threatens your boyfriends (or girlfriends) with physical harm if they break your heart. He is there to hug you when times are bad, to be your rock. And eventually he is the one who gives you into the keeping of your husband, entrusting that man with his most precious possession: his baby girl. As a girl, a father shapes us more than we realize. John Mayer had it right when he wrote that song about fathers and daughters. I realize my father is a great man. He is loving and unselfish and calm, someone who can support others, a hard worker. I love him deeply, and I know I would do anything for him, because I want to be a daughter who makes her father proud.

This is where the "self" in the title comes in. As I thought about that last sentence, I had to think, do I think I am a good daughter? Or even a good person? First I have to look at myself physically and mentally. Physically, I think I am average, not beautiful, but not hard on the eyes either. I have a face between oval and heart, a good nose and chin, high cheekbones, pale skin (purposely), deep dark brown eyes, and freckles. My sole vanity is my hair. I love my hair. It's long and think and curly, but what I adore about it is the color. I have a shade of auburn, one I poetically call "autumn fire". In the winter it gets a bit more brown, but only for a couple of months, but otherwise it's a nice sable brown intertwined with coppery red. It's the kind of color I have been told numerous times that women pay big money for my shade of auburn. So, that's my sole vanity. I am tall for a woman, but not too tall. I don't like my breasts, not because they are small per se, but because I have a physical defect that means that one is a different size from the other (I know it's natural for them to be a little different, but I am talking cup sizes here). Eventually I might get them done so I won't be so self conscious of them anymore. I am not fat, quite the opposite, I have trouble keeping on weight usually, and I am now perpetually at 150 pounds, which is a good weight. My hips are average, my legs are long and okay. Physically, I am simply mediocre in my opinion, but I am usually told I am an idiot for thinking that. Mentally, I am very, very not mediocre. I know I am smart, forgetful and ditsy, but smart (I get it from Dad, he's damn close to being a genius in my opinion). I do have problems, I have ADD (from Mom) and depression (also from Mom, but she doesn't have it, it skipped her). I am bad at social ques, like when to talk and how to respond (comes with more severe form of ADD). I know I am selfish, most people are. I also know I can be cranky and mean. I also know, despite my trying to, I have the same good/bad trait my mom does in her personality: sometimes I am too nice and let people walk over me. This is mainly true with friends and family. I also know I am loyal, that if someone I loved needed me, I would drop everything and go to them (I have done so, too). I also need to work on letting people know when I am in trouble, because it is okay to need help.

I don't know if I am a good person, but I think I could be a better daughter (like remembering to water the pants my parents spent a lot of money on). No one is perfect, we all have our flaws, maybe I am just too aware of my own to see my good side. It is hard to think you are good when you have thought you are bad for so long. My therapist tells me I am getting better at realizing some things aren't my fault, and that I am not a terrible person. I do sometimes wish I didn't have ADD, that I could be like other people, focusing and remembering. However, I also know I am more likely to win the lottery than lose the ADD (once you are past your teens and it's still there, you pretty much are stuck with it). Damn, I wish I would stop thinking like this so much. I am finding deep thoughts usually make one want a good, stiff drink.

I apologize for my rather long absence. Don't worry, I'm still alive (sort of). Unfortunately, life has a way of hitting you while you're down. So why don't I talk about what has been happening to keep me away.

First, I am still grieving. We all do this in our own way, and I am discovering mine is... Long. Yes, that is the best term for it. Truth be told, I have never been so close to death. The image of her body just after she passed on still haunts me, and I still can't grip the fact she is gone. Some days I am better. One day not long ago I actually felt happy. Really happy. Like the me before Grammy died happy. I spent the day with my old friend and soon-to-be woman Zysk watching anime, eating good food. It was like the old times back in high school. Some days I'm worse. This week was pretty tough since I have been alone house sitting. Being alone gives me too much time to think. I don't know if it's healthy but I realize I've lead a sheltered life and that never has something so traumatic happened to me. Okay, maybe when I went off the deep end and got very close to killing myself, but even then I still had all my family.

Now, as if I am not dealing with myself enough, I am losing a support. My best friend, Tai (yes the one married to the guy I'm not fond of. I love her, but if he hurts her I'm hunting his ass down) is moving. Next Wednesday. Through everything I have been through lately, she has been my stalwart supporter and defender and cleaner of my kitchen. I remember when she moved to Texas for a year, that was tough. Now she is on her way to Norfolk and a new life. I put on a smile, inside I am screaming at the injustice of having her torn from me.

My grammy has been in the next life for about a month and a half now. A month to the day, my sister's boyfriend (I adore him, he is so good to her, I want them married) lost his grandfather to N Stage liver failure. It was just heartbreaking to hear my sister have to grieve for a second time in a month. We sent flowers and I told her if she needed me I would go. I admit, I think I suck at being a sister, but I try at least.

I also had to kick my friend out of my house, leaving me its sole "occupant" (I am still at my parents, I don't want to be alone). So now every day I must go over there and tend to my Antichrist who has ruined part of my bathroom and slowly pick up the horrible mess he left behind. I mean damn, first he stiffs my dad on a good chunk of rent, then he leaves a mess? My mom can't even mention him without cursing anymore.

Mom is still a mess. She was doing okay, finally shopping without crying, but I think she had a bad time recently because my parents went from one trip to another this week. So I have been manning the house (houses technically) and earning money/ my keep by still taking care of my dad's crazy ass mom. I am still looking at culinary school, and it looks like I'll be going to the one that'll cost $40k to attend. I cringe at the thought, and at applying to college again. Last time was a hassle and a half. Still no job, and with the unemployment rate in Memphis over 10%, I don't think I will find one soon. I did however do something interesting. I bought a recipe book, the kind you fill out yourself, and started a scrapbook about Grammy. I am a bit stalled on it because I have never scrap booked before and it is a bit expensive. Hopefully I can push forward soon now that Mom has giving her blessings, though, she won't help, nor would I want her to. I hate seeing her cry.

I think mostly what I have been doing is thinking. Life changes require a lot of thinking I have found. I realize I'm lonely. I am in truth losing two companions I held close (Grammy and Tai), I have no boyfriend, and my friends seem to be dwindling. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into depression and start thinking bad, stupid thoughts. I won't repeat my mistakes, and I won't put my parents through another trip to the mental ward after me calling them to tell them, from the back of a cop car, that was where I was going. I am so sick of feeling lonely and empty and a selfish daughter. I want to be better already, damn it! But sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we must take the hard path in life in order to better ourselves. That is what I am doing.

And let me tell you, the hard road sucks. At least I still have chocolate to comfort me.

P.S. Sorry about worrying you, Casey. Please forgive me!