Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I am a hot mess. I can barely function right now. My mom is losing her mind and yelling at everyone. Her funeral is tomorrow. I am simply drifting in the waves it seems. Never have I been so lost, not even when I was suicidal and throwing myself into the mental hospital. She's gone, and I still can't grasp it. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her at the visitation today. I preoccupied myself with watching over Olivia for Angela. I hurt all the time now with the sorrow I feel. The night she died, the death rattles, Mom's screaming wail, the way she went cold, they are burned into my memory and haunt my dreams at night. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel as if I'm breaking into pieces just like Mom, but unlike Mom I can't afford to show it. I have to be strong because Mom can't be, and I have to help Dad. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.