Life goes on, they say. That phrase meant very little to me until recently. As I have been sick (so sick I wouldn't even play WoW) I have had a lot of time to think, which is not always a good thing. I still can't believe she's gone. I half expect Grammy to call me and ask me to go shopping with her. Last night I couldn't sleep because I had dreams about her, her wonderful voice. I can't even look at the clothes she left behind here without tearing up. I hug the stuff rabbit she held until her dying breath at night for comfort. Mom is still a mess. Not only is she still sick, she is in a very, very foul mood. If I didn't need the comfort of my parents so much I would gladly leave and return home.

Today I decided I would allow myself to mope another couple of days, till Monday, then return (or attempt) to normal life. I still need a job, I still have to investigate cooking school and make sure my insurance will still cover me. I still have to get Dad to kick Bradford out so I can FINALLY have the peace and quiet I need. I still have to continue my Wicca studies. I still have to find Tai a wedding present since she is now married. I still have to fly my dragon kite with Duran again so he can pretend it will hit small children (he hates kids, lol). There is so much I still have to do, and the world is going on without me. Now, I have to stand up and start walking again. Admittedly I am now a much emptier person it seems. I never realized until she passed just how much she meant to me, how much she played a part in my life.

My God, I miss her so much. Will this aching ever stop? How do I go on without her? I don't know, but I have to gather the courage to go on without her. It's just very scary and hard. I wish she could hug me one more time.

I thought I'd take a break from being sad and go off on a random tangent, because sometimes you just need to rant to make yourself feel better.


I don't know if any of you readers out have been paying attention, but there was a controversy at the Miss USA pageant this year. Namely, Miss Cali announced on national television that she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman in response to a question asking if she thought gay marriage should be allowed. Now, don't get me wrong, I highly applaud anyone who is willing to speak and stand up for their views, it's the American way. So, because I am an avid reading of Perez Hilton's blog, I have read more into this girl.

Let me tell you, the more I read the more I am disgusted. Her "church" spouts and believes hatred propaganda against gay people so outdated it's older than me. Look, you don't like gay people, whatever. I however don't think that who you fall in love with should be the deciding factor on whether or not you go to hell. Let us get one thing straight: gay is not a choice, science kind of proved that. Being gay does not mean you will die of AIDS or that you are a pedophile. That is what Miss Cali and her church believe. That kind of thinking is what lead up to the Holocaust. Ew, they are different, better get rid of them. Before you get mad at me for the reference, think about it, all I did was say it in a very simplified way.

You know what, I'm glad this wench lost. I don't want a bigoted model representing me in the Miss Universe pageant. Hell, I don't even want her admitting she is from the same country as me. It sickens and saddens me that people still believe such things. Gay people are people, too, and they deserve to be treated with the same fairness and equality straight people get. For someone to hate you for something like that is wrong. Believe what you want about whether being gay is right or wrong, I don't care. But I believe that they are people, and it is always said you should treat others the way you want to be treated. Would you want to be treated that way?

And that's my rant. Peace.

I actually went to the doctor today. Yes, I really am sick (as is Mom) but not with the flu. We both have severe ear infections. I haven't had an ear infection since I was eight. Isn't there some kind of law that say you aren't allowed to get things like ear infections, tonsillitis, and strep after your thirteen? Jeez. Now I can't hear because of the greatest ear drops ever (takes away the pain and throbbing, but are very viscous) and I still feel like I have the flu. When you get older ear infections are more painful and take on flu-like qualities, so said the doctor at the minor med I went to. And do you want to know how I got the ear infection? Partially it was Baby O, but most of it is caused by my sinuses leaking the wrong way, and they were leaking because of how much crying I have been doing. On top of this the one roommate who was paying rent is leaving this week without giving thirty days notice (rude much?). It seems like I have no go news to report, other than my online gaming is doing okay. Best stress relief ever, but like any other vice, it can be addicting, so I have to take it in moderation. Oh well.

You know, my week's been pretty bad. My Grammy died, my mom's gone even farther in the deep end, I have a lot of blisters from the shoes I wore to the funeral. But as I often say, Murphey's Law, man. That is the law that if something can go wrong, it will. This week it struck me in a very unexpected way (as expected of Murphey's). Olivia has been sick on and off for a good two months now thanks to daycare and her allergies. Apparently she had the flu while at the funeral but wasn't showing symptoms. Now I have full body aches and chills and the crap ass feeling that comes from the flu. So do mom and Uncle Johnny, but it appears to have hit me worse. Probably because I was the one helping watch her for 70% of the gatherings. Ain't life a bitch sometimes?

I am a hot mess. I can barely function right now. My mom is losing her mind and yelling at everyone. Her funeral is tomorrow. I am simply drifting in the waves it seems. Never have I been so lost, not even when I was suicidal and throwing myself into the mental hospital. She's gone, and I still can't grasp it. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her at the visitation today. I preoccupied myself with watching over Olivia for Angela. I hurt all the time now with the sorrow I feel. The night she died, the death rattles, Mom's screaming wail, the way she went cold, they are burned into my memory and haunt my dreams at night. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel as if I'm breaking into pieces just like Mom, but unlike Mom I can't afford to show it. I have to be strong because Mom can't be, and I have to help Dad. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.

She's gone. She passed at 8:30pm on Sunday evening while my dad held her hand and read her the 23rd Psalm. She's gone.

I stopped taking the Valium after one night. That stuff leaves you groggy as hell the next day, and I hate that feeling. So, now I am back to being lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I tell you, if I look as awful as I feel, I look like Phil Spector in his arrest photo.

Usually, lack of sleep won't make me cranky. I am quite used to it since I have insomnia anyway. However, today I have been in a rather spiteful, bitchy mood. This is a combo of lack of sleep AND this terrible re-occurring nightmare I keep having. In the dream, I am stuck in pitch black darkness, not able to see anything. I keep hearing Grammy call for me, and I stumble around trying to find her. Every time I went to sleep for the past two nights, even if I had already had it, I have this nightmare. Freaks me out to tell you the truth, and it put me in a bad mood.

Mom is still a hot mess. The only difference is she cries and snaps at us more. Today she snapped at me, and while yes I understand she is in a bad state of mind, but I don't appreciate being treated badly for not doing anything, and I almost let loose on her. Dad, thankfully, was there and calmed us before I could unleash my inner-bitch. Honestly I'd love to let loose on my uncles right now because they actually deserve it. They were such assholes to Mom last night. All she wanted to do was talk to them about how they wanted to split Grammy's estate and they both yelled at her for "wasting their time". Mom cried for hours. Honestly, I don't understand how they are related to such kind women.

Grammy is not doing well. She is on a strict liquid diet, not even able to swallow pills. Her body also is rejecting anything really sweet or with citrus in it. She was really sick today, and so weak. I can feel her clinging to life but never the less her grip is failing. Dad told me yesterday it won't be much longer, and I am pretty sure I gave him big hoot owl eyes. He went on to say that what will do Grammy in won't be her thyroid or bowels: she will probably starve to death. The cancer will take what very little nutrition she can get and gobble it up, making her weaker and weaker. I am absolutely horrified by this practical conclusion. I don't want to watch my grandmother starve and waste away! That is the worst sort of death I can imagine short of something from a horror movie.

But maybe I am in a horror movie. Maybe right now I am in the worst sort of horror movie out there: the kind that really happened. Quite truthfully, I can't think of anything more terrifying than what I am going through now. Absolutely nothing.

Well, good news, Grammy made it past Mom's birthday. However, the hospital surprised and shocked us on Mom's birthday by telling us they were sending Grammy home that day. With no warning. Oh dear Lord that was a very bad day. Grammy has settled in, and I have unofficially moved back home to ease the burden. None of us are sleeping anymore. Mom was sleeping so little we had to call Valium in for her, and I may soon be joining her in that. Part of me is terrified. I don't want to have to watch Grammy die. I have never had to see ANYONE die. I mentioned this to my dad and he said something to me.

"Ashley, watching someone die is like watching someone be born. It is incredibly emotional. This is by far the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, and you will have to go through it again because everyone dies. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and this will make you much stronger."

I was kind of taken back by his comment. But he would know more about this than me, he was there when his best friend succumbed to lung cancer some years ago. It actually made me feel better. I'm trying to keep that in my mind as we go through this. Mom is still a hot mess, but at least she's sleeping now. I have given up my job search because to be honest I just don't have the time, nor the commitment for a job. My family needs me, and damn it I am going to be here for them. At least my panic attacks haven't cropped up yet... but my newly developed asthma attacks feel a lot like them, so it's like they are replacing the panic. It is always something, ne? I am still studying Wicca though I have to hide it because while my parents are fine with how I have decided to worship God, the rest of my family (including Grammy) would not like it at all. Thank you for your support, all. I'll try to write more soon.

Grammy has been given a week to live by her doctors. She might not make it to my mom's birthday (April 6th). Mom didn't take the news well at all. I had to leave for fresh air. When will this roller coaster end?

I had a big "oh shit" moment last night. I have been spending the days with Mom. Mom is crying on and off now a days, and I hate it. So I spend my days with Mom trying to help and cheer her up. Well, last night for whatever reason (so bad I don't even know why she was annoying me) and I blurted out that I am now practicing Wicca. Oops. Well, Mom almost cried a little bit, but she said as long as I'm "good" (whatever that means) she's okay with it. She thinks she failed me because I am not Christian. Bullshit. My mom is a great mom, always there when I needed, even if I didn't know I needed her. So what if I believe in God in a different way? I am still a decent person thanks to her teachings. She never failed me. Never. I just have to convince her of this.