Right as I was convinced the next set of news I would be passing on would be my Grammy's discharge, something else came up. Billy and Angela, parents of the beautiful Baby O, are expecting their second child. The baby is due in late November or early December. We will find out whether my other unborn cousin (via Johnny and Tiffany) is a boy or a girl on April 13th. Babies are coming out of every orifice it seems.

The hospital is sending my Grammy home with hospice. They are sending her home to die.

Thanks for the sympathy. Casey asked for an update and here it is. My Grammy's bowel obstruction has been caused by a giant tumor. She is now considered terminal. She won't survive the surgery to remove it, and all we can really do now is make her comfortable and pray she does not die on my mom's birthday (April 6). I can't seem to cry over it anymore because I've run out of tears...

I almost lost my Grammy yesterday. She was pretty much on her death bed. She has made a small bit of a recovery but she is not out of the woods and there is a chance she won't be recovering. I am coping with this blow to my life, so I apologize if I don't post for a while.

To say Wicca beliefs are the opposite of city dwellers is like saying the Vietnam War was a little mistake. I know I would never be able to just leave the city and live in the country. For one that is expensive, and I am in a perpetual state of broke. But I also enjoy some city staples, like clothes stores and books. Oh I remember when I stayed in Arkansas in the summer for vacation I nearly went nuts because the nearest book store was an hour away. I also enjoy the Internet a bit much. And you know I ave been off my meds for my mental problems before and that never goes well, so I kind of need to stay on those. So as I was reading my Wicca book again, I discovered the chapter on what to do to give back to my beliefs. In Christian faiths you give to the church in the form of donations, however Wicca does not have any churches or temples like that. So what do we do? We give back to the earth in the form of respect and being kind to it. The next question I had to pose to myself was this: how the hell do I do that?

1. Recycling- Always been a fan of it. I just need to get someone to get my recycling bin out of the poison ivy forest it was thrown into. My family has a bad history of being extremely allergic, and I do not want to find out if I take after them or not.

2. Method- Okay, this is actually the name of a cleaning product line I use. It is a little more expensive (about a $1 on average) than normal cleaners, but I originally started using them for my own health reasons. My allergies are causing me to have asthma attacks, and cleaning product smells bring them on badly, this line said it didn't have those smells so I figured I'd give it a whirl. It works just as good as a normal cleaner, but it's made with vinegars and alcohols derived from corn and rice. It smells nice, too, I am partial to the french lavender myself. The bottle is 100% recycled plastic and the stuff inside is 100% biodegradable. A cleaning product line that's just as good as scrubbing bubbles but without the smell and good for the planet? Hell yes please.

3. What Goes Inside Me- I admit that the drugs I take don't do my body good. They make me sick and weak and sometimes make me have shakes. I take them because I'd rather feel a little sick and be able to lead a productive life than feel good and be unable to be independent so to speak. Some religions don't believe in the meds I take, or even the problems I have, but I sure as hell do. So, in order to balance out putting these chemicals inside me, I am trying to go organic (or at least healthier). Organic I have only a small problem with, and that's that it can be so expensive. I mean I make allowances for my Method and books, but my food needs to be a little cheap, k thx. I do enjoy a good Farmer's Market, so when that reopens around here I will be journeying to that often.

4. My Yard- Oh man, that is going to suck. My yard is a mess thanks to the previous tenant not doing anything to it. So it is up to me and Dad to set it right. There is one catch: I really suck at gardening (the only plant I have kept alive more than a month is my moon cactus). So I am reading up on gardening dos and don'ts and have decided to try to plant some veggies and lavender and witch hazel (ha ha, no, not because I am a witch, but because they bloom in the winter while lavender is a summer bloom, so I will have pretty flowers all year round) in my back terraces.

So much to do, so little time. I have to get ready to go check on Dad's mom now. I might write more tonight, I might not. I might use this beautiful waxing moon evening to finish sewing my friend's wellness and protection satchel. Yeah, that sounds good. Until we meet (and write) again.


Congrats to Kari-chan on getting second place in the baby food competition! You did great! Keep up the good work!

I realize I am typing this late, but my insomnia has returned with a vengeance, so I figured I would at least use my insomnia wisely. I had my cat shaved today. Poor Kitkah, she looks so thin and almost Bigglesworth-like, however I made sure they did not shave her face and tail. I think she is rather pissed at me not so much for the shave but for taking her to the kennel to do it. She REALLY did not like the kennel. Like she tried to climb into and hide in my purse did not like. Oh well, this will be easier on the both of us, she won't be matted and I won't get the shit bitten out of me for trying to brush her. I apologize if I seem to be cursing more than usual, but I REALLY did not have a good day. After two days of little sleep, I had to wake at o'dark-thirty to take Dad's mom to the orthopedic doctor. I spent an hour getting to her house, getting her to hurry up, then trying to find the x-rays I had to bring with us. I spent another hour getting there and helping her fill out paperwork and listening to her bitch. Then, turns out her primary care doctor did not double check that the clinic would take her insurance, because they didn't. I had stressed and sleep-deprived myself for nothing. Then I had to drive her back home and listen to her bitch more (I went off on her at that point. I am not a morning person, so to complain to me in a nagging tone when I am tired and cranky is asking for me to flip it right back to you. Better yet, I don't feel about it because I was defending my dad). Then we accidentally locked ourselves out of her house and had to wait for the apartment manager to let us in. After that I set out to do what I originally planned to do today (I did not find out she had this appointment until Sunday, when Dad mentioned it and I said I'd take her for him): go take care of MY OWN medical problems. I saw my chiropractor since my neck had been stiffening up again (damn car accidents, oh well, it felt good to be popped), called my therapist asking for him to give me a call when he was available to make an appointment, and made an appointment for the allergy doctor since I am having problems breathing. Then I got my cat shaved and got groceries with my parents. And got a nap. Still tired though.

Something else is bothering me though. I may have mentioned I am now in the process of converting to Wicca (it in truth does not require much else than converting to its beliefs, which is not so bad honestly). However, I have not told my parents of my new found religious beliefs. Now before you get the wrong idea, my parents are the most tolerant people I know. They don't care about most things, only that you are a good person and lead a good life. However, we are a Southern family, and as a friend's parent once told me, there ain't a man in the South that don't know who God is. Religion is a sticky point in my family, always has been, always will be thanks to Mom's family being Catholic and Dad's just being Southern. Mom used to be devout herself until she felt the Church was becoming too conservative and bigoted. I remember one time I told Mom I had an atheist friend, and she cried. Cried. Faith is something very important to my parents. They don't even believe me when I tell them Sissy is seriously a Buddhist. I do not know how they would handle their elder daughter being a witch. Most of me thinks they would be okay with it, but there is that small part of me, the doubter, the scared part of me that thinks they will reject me for this. I have a new found respect for people who come out of the closet now, because all I am doing is changing religions and I am a nervous wreck. Hell, that's probably why I can't sleep. I am hoping to talk to Mummy soon and ask her opinion on how I should handle this situation. Do any of you out there have an advice for me on this? And uh, please don't say I am going to burn in hell. I like to think that I will at the very least not go there for simply dealing with my dad's mom and not killing her. Yet.


P.S.- We are fairly certain that the newest edition to the family is a girl. Yay! More cute baby clothes!

Recently I may have mentioned I have a new Wicca book. For those of you not aware, I do practice some of its beliefs. I do believe that there are powers beyond that occur in nature, and that it is okay to harness them to benefit your fellow man. After reading up on Wicca (if you are interested, try Scott Cunningham, he is considered one of the best writers on Wicca) I find that it is very sad how much it is misconstrued. There is no devil worshipping, we worship the God and Goddess in our lives and nature. Our creed is to harm none and help all and to coexist with nature. How people can hate something so... loving and pure is beyond me. But I am simply a novice whose chaotic (and broke) life often keep me from practicing. Funny, isn't it that we need money to enrich our soul? But going into Wicca has also made me want to change other things.For example, I am trying to lead a healthier lifestyle (special thanks to you on help with that, Kari-chan). But I have two beliefs that always keep me from going all out into it. First would be I could die tomorrow, and I want to die drinking Coke (okay so my vice is caffeine, it helps with my chronic headaches). Second is I don't believe ANY food is bad for you (unless you are allergic), you have only to take them in moderation. Nevertheless, I am trying to lead a healither lifestyle (still not giving up cokes, I have yet to find a source of such massive amounts of caffeine that are good for me, lol). I am eating salad more and thriving on veggies and choosing healthier cheeses. I just can't embrace all of the health craze, like milk being bad for you (I will never, ever give up dairy you can pry my milk bottle from my cold, dead hands). But I am trying, and I think that counts from something.

So as I am trying to get healthier, I am trying to start my Grimiore. That is basically the book were a witch keeps her spells and tabs on how developing them and herself is going. This new herb magic book will be beneficial for that, because I have already found the first ritual I want to try. I want to try and make a charm for wellness and spiritual health for a friend of mine. I need to read up on it more though, because magic is serious, and improperly used magic is never good (I automatically think of Practical Magic, completely fictional, but the message is there). Hopefully everything will go well. I will keep you posted on how that goes. Still no job, but I got paid for taking my friend to work so that was nice. Until the next post, good fortune to all.

*Side note: -chan is something from Japanese that is called an honorific. In this case adding it to the end of a name is a sign of friendship and affection. The best way to explain is that if I called someone Cat-chan, it would translate out to Kitty. It's hard to translate them in English because they have no direct translation.

I am sorry for the long break. I have been very busy as of late. My friend's motorcycle and car broke so I have been taking him to work for cash. Also, a friend of mine came out of the closet, and he's been very stressed about it. My Grammy had to be taken out of the experimental chemo program because the chemo was literally causing her stomach to rot. We're bittersweet about it, bitter because it was shrinking the tumors a bit, sweet because fuck the tumors, losing your stomach is bad. I have also picked up a new book in my study of the natural arts, a book on herb magic. It's by a woman who is both a lecturer on the topic and Master Gardener. How the hell do you become one anyway...? Still no job. Dad's mom is still kind of crazy, but a bit more tolerable of late. Other than that, my life's been going no where. Bah. Stupid economy, pick up already. Until the next writing.

My friend Tai is not moving in and is still with her ass of a guy. If that is her decision, I support her even if I don't like him. I am also dealing with the fact I have to kick my roommate and friend, Bradford, out. He has not even tried to find a job to pay for his rent and has been incredibly rude to me for a couple of months now. Part of me feels bad because he's a longtime friend, but more of me is just so tired of dealing with this. I have enough to worry and stress about without him adding to it. I also am taking my friend Potter to work this week because both his car and motorcycle broke. He had some odd luck, ne? Baby Olivia has to have surgery as well. I believe she is having tubes put into her ears. Tiffany is doing well and carrying the pregnancy fine so far. Let's keep our fingers crossed. Grammy is doing well, we're going shopping tomorrow. Dad's mom is still a wench and I still have to tend to her every other day and still drains the energy from me. Finally I looked into the culinary school down the street from me. It will cost me between $27,000 and $38,000 to go there, and we are pretty certain that it will b due all at once instead of in semester payments. I have not been feeling well. My energy is gone and I'm continuously tired. I hope my meditation will help me with it, or at least help me deal with it better. For now that's all I have to write. Fair winds and good seas to all (I'm in a pirate mood).

P.S.- Still no job and this week literally only one place I could apply to. Sad.

After I wrote about my parents' terrifying experience, my week actually got worse. I have applied to 50 jobs this week, not one has called. That is becoming a typical week, but what made it worse was problems my friend, Tai, was having. Tai is a great person, and she is usually who people go to for advice because she is incredibly insightful. However this week it was time for her to get some sorely needed advice. She has been living with her soon-to-be in-laws. Her in-laws are assholes, and racist ones at that. After dealing with a couple months of this, her father-in-law crossed a line, and the best way I can put this is he called her a whore. And she was pissed, so she wanted to move out. She was so desperate to get out she had her mom come over (her mom is not a great person). Somehow, her stupid ass boyfriend convinced her to stay.

I DO NOT LIKE HER BOYFRIEND. He hates all her friends, is controlling, an all around jerk, and is starting to follow in his dad's footsteps. I had to sit down Tai and tell her in no short terms tat this is not a good situation. Actually I told her that she was being a dumb bitch and was pulling a Rihanna. At the time she had convinced me to join her in a couple of drinks, and I am a very cheap drunk so it does not take a lot to make me "groovy" as I term it. I seem to be drinking more, I think I am gonna stop drinking for a while. Anyway, back to the story at hand. Tai has me frightened, because I have seen too many stories where the relationship starts like that and end badly. I have had a small victory, I got her to agree to move in with me. I am trying to convince her that as much as she loves him, she deserves a lot more and better than her boyfriend. While this is happening, my friend roomie, Bradford, is pretty much getting kicked out for being a lazy ass and not even trying to find a job to pay rent.

That has been my week. Break-ins, friends in bad places, still no job. I can only pray something good happens soon, because this is just draining the life out of me. Well, I need to get off. Tai is moving in today and she is gonna help me streak my hair a brighter red. Hope you all who are my readers are having a better time out there.

I was very scared last night. I had no reason to be scared or worried. Nevertheless I paced and couldn't sleep until 4:30am this morning. At about 9am I get a call from my mom. She sounded like she had been crying so I asked her what was wrong. At around 2:30am our golden retriever, Romeo, started acting oddly, barking and growling, which he usually won't do at night. So my dad got up to shut up him then went to the bathroom. Low and behold there are a pair of men ripping open his bathroom window screen. Dad screamed at my mom to call 911 as he went to find a weapon. The police came 15 minutes later. My golden retriever who I have often have said was a big idiot who loved everyone had been protecting my parents. I am now eternally grateful to your stinky lovable beast, and today I would like all my readers to thank the dogs in their lives. You never know when they might just live up to the claim man's best friend.

It seems I spend a lot of time griping. For a while it has seemed as if nothing good is going on in my life other than the glimpses of adorable Baby O. However, today has changed my opinion, somewhat.

I have been tending to my dad's mom and getting my haircut today. Being around that woman zaps me of energy and after dropping something off at my parents I was looking forward to going home. By chance I happen to spot Kathryn, a.k.a. Mummy. She's my parents' next door neighbor, mother of one of my dearest friends, and my personal confidant. I have known her for going on 14 years now. She has watched me grow up and I am honored to say I am considered family by her. Mummy is literally the best person I know. Have you ever met someone who seemingly had no evil to them what so ever? That is Mummy. She is nothing but kind and compassion and love. She listens to you and never judges you, offers the best advice, gives you a calming serene feeling, and makes you laugh. Mummy taught me about fairy rings and beauty of nature and how it connects to God, and she is probably the reason I have maintained my religious beliefs. I tell her the secret I dare tell no one else and she's the shoulder I cried on as I found out my Grammy might not make it. She has been my rock in the turbulent seas of my life, and I miss her terribly as I don't get to see her often.

Until today I hadn't spoken to her in about two months. I had tried calling, but I have learned in the past when she doesn't answer her phone or return a call, there is a good reason. Over the past two months her beloved cousin Lea passed on, another friend's mother was stricken with lung cancer, her car was repossessed and is on the verge of losing her home. She was already dealing with a sick son and another friend losing his wife to cancer as well. I couldn't help but thing how lucky I was to just be dealing with my dad's mom. After telling her what had been going on in our lives, we had to part ways so she could pick up her youngest child, Stephen.

Another thought crossed me mind after we finished talking. Why would God let such things happen to someone so good and kind? Surely a fair God would not do that to one of his most beautiful children. For a moment I felt bitter about it. Then oddly enough I remember something Mummy herself had told me once: everything happens for a purpose. Every little thing that happens to us from the wonderfully good to the horribly bad happens to us for a reason. We may not know it at the time, but it does. These events strengthen us and mold us into better people. As I remembered her saying that calmly to me, stroking my hair as I cried one time, I felt a little bit better. Once again I realized how greatly Mummy affected my faith, how thanks to her I had found God truthfully for the first time thanks to her. Times are hard, we are quick to dispair. Today remember that as bad as things can be, they are that way for a reason. Persevere through them and one day you'll realize it was all worth it.

P.S.- Thanks to Mrs. Kari for the healthy chocolate chip recipe. I can't wait to scrounge up enough pocket change to go try it out.