In an attempt to get back to my couple of posts a week schedule, I am writing once more. Writing in this blog seems to make me feel better, and that's always good.

Today I realized Father's Day is near. I don't know when exactly, but since I'm fairly sure it's date changes every year it is no surprise I don't remember. I'm bad with dates anyway. Anyway, as I thought about this, I had to think about dads in general, and then my own. A father is who a girl bases all her future relationships with men on. Our dad is the first man we love, our protector, killer of bugs, builder of tree houses. The one who teaches us to ride our bikes and picks us up and throws us in the air. He is the one standing there proudly as you go to prom, and the one who threatens your boyfriends (or girlfriends) with physical harm if they break your heart. He is there to hug you when times are bad, to be your rock. And eventually he is the one who gives you into the keeping of your husband, entrusting that man with his most precious possession: his baby girl. As a girl, a father shapes us more than we realize. John Mayer had it right when he wrote that song about fathers and daughters. I realize my father is a great man. He is loving and unselfish and calm, someone who can support others, a hard worker. I love him deeply, and I know I would do anything for him, because I want to be a daughter who makes her father proud.

This is where the "self" in the title comes in. As I thought about that last sentence, I had to think, do I think I am a good daughter? Or even a good person? First I have to look at myself physically and mentally. Physically, I think I am average, not beautiful, but not hard on the eyes either. I have a face between oval and heart, a good nose and chin, high cheekbones, pale skin (purposely), deep dark brown eyes, and freckles. My sole vanity is my hair. I love my hair. It's long and think and curly, but what I adore about it is the color. I have a shade of auburn, one I poetically call "autumn fire". In the winter it gets a bit more brown, but only for a couple of months, but otherwise it's a nice sable brown intertwined with coppery red. It's the kind of color I have been told numerous times that women pay big money for my shade of auburn. So, that's my sole vanity. I am tall for a woman, but not too tall. I don't like my breasts, not because they are small per se, but because I have a physical defect that means that one is a different size from the other (I know it's natural for them to be a little different, but I am talking cup sizes here). Eventually I might get them done so I won't be so self conscious of them anymore. I am not fat, quite the opposite, I have trouble keeping on weight usually, and I am now perpetually at 150 pounds, which is a good weight. My hips are average, my legs are long and okay. Physically, I am simply mediocre in my opinion, but I am usually told I am an idiot for thinking that. Mentally, I am very, very not mediocre. I know I am smart, forgetful and ditsy, but smart (I get it from Dad, he's damn close to being a genius in my opinion). I do have problems, I have ADD (from Mom) and depression (also from Mom, but she doesn't have it, it skipped her). I am bad at social ques, like when to talk and how to respond (comes with more severe form of ADD). I know I am selfish, most people are. I also know I can be cranky and mean. I also know, despite my trying to, I have the same good/bad trait my mom does in her personality: sometimes I am too nice and let people walk over me. This is mainly true with friends and family. I also know I am loyal, that if someone I loved needed me, I would drop everything and go to them (I have done so, too). I also need to work on letting people know when I am in trouble, because it is okay to need help.

I don't know if I am a good person, but I think I could be a better daughter (like remembering to water the pants my parents spent a lot of money on). No one is perfect, we all have our flaws, maybe I am just too aware of my own to see my good side. It is hard to think you are good when you have thought you are bad for so long. My therapist tells me I am getting better at realizing some things aren't my fault, and that I am not a terrible person. I do sometimes wish I didn't have ADD, that I could be like other people, focusing and remembering. However, I also know I am more likely to win the lottery than lose the ADD (once you are past your teens and it's still there, you pretty much are stuck with it). Damn, I wish I would stop thinking like this so much. I am finding deep thoughts usually make one want a good, stiff drink.

I apologize for my rather long absence. Don't worry, I'm still alive (sort of). Unfortunately, life has a way of hitting you while you're down. So why don't I talk about what has been happening to keep me away.

First, I am still grieving. We all do this in our own way, and I am discovering mine is... Long. Yes, that is the best term for it. Truth be told, I have never been so close to death. The image of her body just after she passed on still haunts me, and I still can't grip the fact she is gone. Some days I am better. One day not long ago I actually felt happy. Really happy. Like the me before Grammy died happy. I spent the day with my old friend and soon-to-be woman Zysk watching anime, eating good food. It was like the old times back in high school. Some days I'm worse. This week was pretty tough since I have been alone house sitting. Being alone gives me too much time to think. I don't know if it's healthy but I realize I've lead a sheltered life and that never has something so traumatic happened to me. Okay, maybe when I went off the deep end and got very close to killing myself, but even then I still had all my family.

Now, as if I am not dealing with myself enough, I am losing a support. My best friend, Tai (yes the one married to the guy I'm not fond of. I love her, but if he hurts her I'm hunting his ass down) is moving. Next Wednesday. Through everything I have been through lately, she has been my stalwart supporter and defender and cleaner of my kitchen. I remember when she moved to Texas for a year, that was tough. Now she is on her way to Norfolk and a new life. I put on a smile, inside I am screaming at the injustice of having her torn from me.

My grammy has been in the next life for about a month and a half now. A month to the day, my sister's boyfriend (I adore him, he is so good to her, I want them married) lost his grandfather to N Stage liver failure. It was just heartbreaking to hear my sister have to grieve for a second time in a month. We sent flowers and I told her if she needed me I would go. I admit, I think I suck at being a sister, but I try at least.

I also had to kick my friend out of my house, leaving me its sole "occupant" (I am still at my parents, I don't want to be alone). So now every day I must go over there and tend to my Antichrist who has ruined part of my bathroom and slowly pick up the horrible mess he left behind. I mean damn, first he stiffs my dad on a good chunk of rent, then he leaves a mess? My mom can't even mention him without cursing anymore.

Mom is still a mess. She was doing okay, finally shopping without crying, but I think she had a bad time recently because my parents went from one trip to another this week. So I have been manning the house (houses technically) and earning money/ my keep by still taking care of my dad's crazy ass mom. I am still looking at culinary school, and it looks like I'll be going to the one that'll cost $40k to attend. I cringe at the thought, and at applying to college again. Last time was a hassle and a half. Still no job, and with the unemployment rate in Memphis over 10%, I don't think I will find one soon. I did however do something interesting. I bought a recipe book, the kind you fill out yourself, and started a scrapbook about Grammy. I am a bit stalled on it because I have never scrap booked before and it is a bit expensive. Hopefully I can push forward soon now that Mom has giving her blessings, though, she won't help, nor would I want her to. I hate seeing her cry.

I think mostly what I have been doing is thinking. Life changes require a lot of thinking I have found. I realize I'm lonely. I am in truth losing two companions I held close (Grammy and Tai), I have no boyfriend, and my friends seem to be dwindling. I refuse to allow myself to fall back into depression and start thinking bad, stupid thoughts. I won't repeat my mistakes, and I won't put my parents through another trip to the mental ward after me calling them to tell them, from the back of a cop car, that was where I was going. I am so sick of feeling lonely and empty and a selfish daughter. I want to be better already, damn it! But sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes we must take the hard path in life in order to better ourselves. That is what I am doing.

And let me tell you, the hard road sucks. At least I still have chocolate to comfort me.

P.S. Sorry about worrying you, Casey. Please forgive me!

Life goes on, they say. That phrase meant very little to me until recently. As I have been sick (so sick I wouldn't even play WoW) I have had a lot of time to think, which is not always a good thing. I still can't believe she's gone. I half expect Grammy to call me and ask me to go shopping with her. Last night I couldn't sleep because I had dreams about her, her wonderful voice. I can't even look at the clothes she left behind here without tearing up. I hug the stuff rabbit she held until her dying breath at night for comfort. Mom is still a mess. Not only is she still sick, she is in a very, very foul mood. If I didn't need the comfort of my parents so much I would gladly leave and return home.

Today I decided I would allow myself to mope another couple of days, till Monday, then return (or attempt) to normal life. I still need a job, I still have to investigate cooking school and make sure my insurance will still cover me. I still have to get Dad to kick Bradford out so I can FINALLY have the peace and quiet I need. I still have to continue my Wicca studies. I still have to find Tai a wedding present since she is now married. I still have to fly my dragon kite with Duran again so he can pretend it will hit small children (he hates kids, lol). There is so much I still have to do, and the world is going on without me. Now, I have to stand up and start walking again. Admittedly I am now a much emptier person it seems. I never realized until she passed just how much she meant to me, how much she played a part in my life.

My God, I miss her so much. Will this aching ever stop? How do I go on without her? I don't know, but I have to gather the courage to go on without her. It's just very scary and hard. I wish she could hug me one more time.

I thought I'd take a break from being sad and go off on a random tangent, because sometimes you just need to rant to make yourself feel better.


I don't know if any of you readers out have been paying attention, but there was a controversy at the Miss USA pageant this year. Namely, Miss Cali announced on national television that she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman in response to a question asking if she thought gay marriage should be allowed. Now, don't get me wrong, I highly applaud anyone who is willing to speak and stand up for their views, it's the American way. So, because I am an avid reading of Perez Hilton's blog, I have read more into this girl.

Let me tell you, the more I read the more I am disgusted. Her "church" spouts and believes hatred propaganda against gay people so outdated it's older than me. Look, you don't like gay people, whatever. I however don't think that who you fall in love with should be the deciding factor on whether or not you go to hell. Let us get one thing straight: gay is not a choice, science kind of proved that. Being gay does not mean you will die of AIDS or that you are a pedophile. That is what Miss Cali and her church believe. That kind of thinking is what lead up to the Holocaust. Ew, they are different, better get rid of them. Before you get mad at me for the reference, think about it, all I did was say it in a very simplified way.

You know what, I'm glad this wench lost. I don't want a bigoted model representing me in the Miss Universe pageant. Hell, I don't even want her admitting she is from the same country as me. It sickens and saddens me that people still believe such things. Gay people are people, too, and they deserve to be treated with the same fairness and equality straight people get. For someone to hate you for something like that is wrong. Believe what you want about whether being gay is right or wrong, I don't care. But I believe that they are people, and it is always said you should treat others the way you want to be treated. Would you want to be treated that way?

And that's my rant. Peace.

I actually went to the doctor today. Yes, I really am sick (as is Mom) but not with the flu. We both have severe ear infections. I haven't had an ear infection since I was eight. Isn't there some kind of law that say you aren't allowed to get things like ear infections, tonsillitis, and strep after your thirteen? Jeez. Now I can't hear because of the greatest ear drops ever (takes away the pain and throbbing, but are very viscous) and I still feel like I have the flu. When you get older ear infections are more painful and take on flu-like qualities, so said the doctor at the minor med I went to. And do you want to know how I got the ear infection? Partially it was Baby O, but most of it is caused by my sinuses leaking the wrong way, and they were leaking because of how much crying I have been doing. On top of this the one roommate who was paying rent is leaving this week without giving thirty days notice (rude much?). It seems like I have no go news to report, other than my online gaming is doing okay. Best stress relief ever, but like any other vice, it can be addicting, so I have to take it in moderation. Oh well.

You know, my week's been pretty bad. My Grammy died, my mom's gone even farther in the deep end, I have a lot of blisters from the shoes I wore to the funeral. But as I often say, Murphey's Law, man. That is the law that if something can go wrong, it will. This week it struck me in a very unexpected way (as expected of Murphey's). Olivia has been sick on and off for a good two months now thanks to daycare and her allergies. Apparently she had the flu while at the funeral but wasn't showing symptoms. Now I have full body aches and chills and the crap ass feeling that comes from the flu. So do mom and Uncle Johnny, but it appears to have hit me worse. Probably because I was the one helping watch her for 70% of the gatherings. Ain't life a bitch sometimes?

I am a hot mess. I can barely function right now. My mom is losing her mind and yelling at everyone. Her funeral is tomorrow. I am simply drifting in the waves it seems. Never have I been so lost, not even when I was suicidal and throwing myself into the mental hospital. She's gone, and I still can't grasp it. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her at the visitation today. I preoccupied myself with watching over Olivia for Angela. I hurt all the time now with the sorrow I feel. The night she died, the death rattles, Mom's screaming wail, the way she went cold, they are burned into my memory and haunt my dreams at night. I don't know how to deal with this. I feel as if I'm breaking into pieces just like Mom, but unlike Mom I can't afford to show it. I have to be strong because Mom can't be, and I have to help Dad. All I want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.